I don't know where to begin. You'd think that I'd be happy, but no, I'm at a loss for words.... I came to the conclusion that mom needs to stay in the nursing home. Well, people in the family, family friends, people I've known my whole life, telling me that if you ever needed anything to give them a call. Well after mom went back into the nursing home, I started to reach out to people in the family, family friends. At first they sounded concerned but after the first phone call, slowly, they all backed away from me . The very people telling me and mom, " if you ever need anything, to give us a call." Like really?
Seems like the only people that seem concerned about mom and me, are at the nursing home. Told high school friends, well now that everything is getting finalized, they're looking at me going, "why are you so upset, your mom gets the care she needs, you get what you want." Like really??? I took care of mom for 7-10 years, lived with her my whole life, that's all I know, is me and mom. I know it sounds pathetic, but its just a lot to take in and handle for one person...
Yes I'm glad that mom is safe, but I feel all alone in all this, in how to handle all this crap, I've never been on my own before. Pathetic... since I'm 27. With all the family drama from years ago, money, crap, mom leaving everything to me, her telling everyone in the family years ago, now, guess what, looking back, that basically causes almost all of them to not want to help me. I never thought I'd have to put mom in a nursing home. I feel so guilty, horrible. I know I tried my best to care for mom all by myself. It's just alot. Then at the nursing home, getting everything finalized, they're all looking at me, going, "you can make it without your mom... " ect. Really??? It's going to take me a while to adjust to life without her, without taking care of her 24/7, that's all I know. It's almost like no one gives you time to really process it all, of what's happening. Like you have to step back, and give yourself time to process it all. I'm realizing how alone I really am now. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some friends telling me to take her home, others saying to leave her in there, others making the comment, "well she's your mom." What does her being my mom have to do with it? The fact is, I physically, emotionally, mentally can't take care of mom all on my own, 24/7 anymore... I'm just in shock! People that I thought would be there for me or mom, are disappearing faster then I could ever imagine. Yes I know I'm 27, an adult, but I don't know hardly anyone my AGE that is going through any of this! I feel lost! I never prayed to GOD, but lately I feel like I don't have a choice. If there's anyone that has gone through putting there loved one in a nursing home, how do you cope, grieve, how do you deal with it all... ? Thanks for listening...
sorry for your difficult situation at such a young age - while you are certainly an adult at 27, most of us do not go through elder care until we're middle aged ourselves
I was hoping to see more information in your profile but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to talk through your emotions - perhaps the social worker at the NH could make a suggestion for a caregiver support group
I can tell you that it is not unusual for family to run and hide when someone is placed in a facility - to the outsider, the problem is solved - it also takes a special person to cope with being a caregiver, so give yourself a break - adjustments take time and it is not easy
keep posting here, you will find support and guidance
Your whole world has revolved around your mom and her needs, everything familiar has been pulled out from under you and you need to find your footing. Change is scary, especially change that is forced upon you and that you feel ambivalent about. You WILL find a new normal, but it takes time. ((hugs))
Give yourself some time to process all that you have been through. Take one day at a time. Find a therapist to help you to take steps in making a new life for yourself. You are young and this is your chance to make a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard and strange. And stop feeling guilty because you did nothing wrong! You made the right decision--for your mom and for you!
Give yourself a break!
Hugs!!
You are too young to give up these years. Your dedication to your mother is admirable but you need and deserve your own life. It's too bad that people don't keep their word when they say "call me whenever you need me," but sadly most of them don't. Do what you can by visiting your mom, maybe take her for an outing or an overnight occasionally, and running some errands she may need, but don't forget to have a life of your own. It's normal to feel some guilt when you give up care of a loved one, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You'll still have contact with her and it's up to you to determine how much, but if she has problems that will progress, it's really better to have medical caregivers watching over her.
Sad! Very sad!
We find out at these very tough emotional times, who our real friends are -and aren’t. Like in your situation, I found out the people who I expected to be there just weren’t. It is painfully disappointing, but if you look for the silver lining, you will see some people who you didn’t expect will be there.
Savor every moment with your parent. She was there for you, and you for her, and as life has it, she cannot possibly be there forever. Make every moment count.
When you are not with her, take kind loving care of yourself. Don’t turn to liquor or food for comfort. Don’t overspend. These “vices” will compound your problems later. Join a gym, take a walk in nature, enjoy a great film.
You are not alone. There are legions of us who have walked in these same shoes.
This is normal. Everyone says, "call me if you need me." - but really? They don't want you to call, especially if you're asking for help. I've had a lot of people say it to me since my DH passed last year and I just got into the habit of saying, "thank you, I appreciate your offer to help. I'll let you know."
And as long as I never seem to need help - people keep asking and offering.
27 is an adult, but looking at it from 67, you're actually still extremely young and you're right - people are "abandoning" you when you are in need. God is not a last resort, God was my first line of defense while I was seeking guidance to take care of my 96 yr old DH.
And, the people you're needing right now? They're probably in your age group and they don't know what to do or say - so they disappear. Try to start asking for hugs from people - that they can do, and hugs do help.
See All Answers