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I don't know where to begin. You'd think that I'd be happy, but no, I'm at a loss for words.... I came to the conclusion that mom needs to stay in the nursing home. Well, people in the family, family friends, people I've known my whole life, telling me that if you ever needed anything to give them a call. Well after mom went back into the nursing home, I started to reach out to people in the family, family friends. At first they sounded concerned but after the first phone call, slowly, they all backed away from me . The very people telling me and mom, " if you ever need anything, to give us a call." Like really?


Seems like the only people that seem concerned about mom and me, are at the nursing home. Told high school friends, well now that everything is getting finalized, they're looking at me going, "why are you so upset, your mom gets the care she needs, you get what you want." Like really??? I took care of mom for 7-10 years, lived with her my whole life, that's all I know, is me and mom. I know it sounds pathetic, but its just a lot to take in and handle for one person...


Yes I'm glad that mom is safe, but I feel all alone in all this, in how to handle all this crap, I've never been on my own before. Pathetic... since I'm 27. With all the family drama from years ago, money, crap, mom leaving everything to me, her telling everyone in the family years ago, now, guess what, looking back, that basically causes almost all of them to not want to help me. I never thought I'd have to put mom in a nursing home. I feel so guilty, horrible. I know I tried my best to care for mom all by myself. It's just alot. Then at the nursing home, getting everything finalized, they're all looking at me, going, "you can make it without your mom... " ect. Really??? It's going to take me a while to adjust to life without her, without taking care of her 24/7, that's all I know. It's almost like no one gives you time to really process it all, of what's happening. Like you have to step back, and give yourself time to process it all. I'm realizing how alone I really am now. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some friends telling me to take her home, others saying to leave her in there, others making the comment, "well she's your mom." What does her being my mom have to do with it? The fact is, I physically, emotionally, mentally can't take care of mom all on my own, 24/7 anymore... I'm just in shock! People that I thought would be there for me or mom, are disappearing faster then I could ever imagine. Yes I know I'm 27, an adult, but I don't know hardly anyone my AGE that is going through any of this! I feel lost! I never prayed to GOD, but lately I feel like I don't have a choice. If there's anyone that has gone through putting there loved one in a nursing home, how do you cope, grieve, how do you deal with it all... ? Thanks for listening...

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Miku

sorry for your difficult situation at such a young age - while you are certainly an adult at 27, most of us do not go through elder care until we're middle aged ourselves

I was hoping to see more information in your profile but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to talk through your emotions - perhaps the social worker at the NH could make a suggestion for a caregiver support group

I can tell you that it is not unusual for family to run and hide when someone is placed in a facility - to the outsider, the problem is solved - it also takes a special person to cope with being a caregiver, so give yourself a break - adjustments take time and it is not easy

keep posting here, you will find support and guidance
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you , It's going to take a while for me to get used to a new "normal" . But at least I tried with my mom . Not only did I do care giving with mom, but for the past few years, I did CNA for the past 4 years while caring for mom . It's a lot .
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As MsMadge stated it is common perhaps to common for family and friends to run off. Most people say 'what you should say', but there is no real meat behind their words. Plus, I have figure out if someone has never went through this than they don't have a clue 'how it really is." The toll it takes on a person whether he/she is young or middle age--whatever the CGs age. You did the right thing and you are to young to give up your life to care for someone else and again 'people just don't get it.'

Give yourself some time to process all that you have been through. Take one day at a time. Find a therapist to help you to take steps in making a new life for yourself. You are young and this is your chance to make a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard and strange. And stop feeling guilty because you did nothing wrong! You made the right decision--for your mom and for you!

Give yourself a break!

Hugs!!
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I don't think that anyone who hasn't "been there done that" can possibly understand what you are feeling. Even at my age where people expect their parents to be in decline I found that most people seemed to be puzzled at my choice to care give at home and viewed the nursing home as a natural part of aging and don't get why I had put it off so long.
Your whole world has revolved around your mom and her needs, everything familiar has been pulled out from under you and you need to find your footing. Change is scary, especially change that is forced upon you and that you feel ambivalent about. You WILL find a new normal, but it takes time. ((hugs))
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I'm sorry you're going through this at such a young age. My own son is 26 and has helped me with my 84 year old mom. He loves her and, of all her grandchildren, he is the closest. She lived with me and both my kids for 5 years and he was there for her a lot. However, when the dementia progressed to the point where she needed 24/7 care, I had to move her to a memory care facility. Could the three of us have wrangled our schedules around to provide that? Maybe. But her health and safety was a big issue and I also did not feel it was fair to ask my then 18 and 23 year old children to dedicate their lives to taking care of her. When you are young, you should get your education, be with your friends, date, travel, and maybe start your own family - I didn't want them to give all of that up to take care of their grandmother and, honestly, in my fifties, I have some of my own health issues and I simply could not handle her care.

You are too young to give up these years. Your dedication to your mother is admirable but you need and deserve your own life. It's too bad that people don't keep their word when they say "call me whenever you need me," but sadly most of them don't. Do what you can by visiting your mom, maybe take her for an outing or an overnight occasionally, and running some errands she may need, but don't forget to have a life of your own. It's normal to feel some guilt when you give up care of a loved one, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You'll still have contact with her and it's up to you to determine how much, but if she has problems that will progress, it's really better to have medical caregivers watching over her.
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MaryKathleen Aug 2019
Well said.
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Hi Miku,

I am 66 and have lived with my mom the last twelve years. Prior to that I at least spoke to her on the phone every single day of my life.

I have often thought that the reason we seem to lose a little bit of them due to old age is to prepare us for the big loss that will come but it’s not really.

I dont know what I will do when I won’t have her to talk to everyday. (Even though she never has any answers for me anymore.) I have isolated myself with her and I’m used to not having anyone around to help but what will that be like when I don’t have her?

I don’t have anywhere to go when I get up everyday but that statement will be so heavy when I don’t have the purpose of taking care of her anymore.

And won’t It be weird to only have to manage one life at a time? My own life doesn’t require half the focus I put into managing hers.

I feel your pain. I think we have to rethink our lives when the time comes. Allow yourself to grieve some but remember you are still taking care of her. It’s just a different position now.

Now’s the time to ease into a new life while you are still taking care of her but now with evenings off!

Good luck. Don’t let it ruin the rest of your life. Accept the pain but don’t let it take over.
Charlotte
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Harpcat Aug 2019
Chark60, you have lost a bit of who you really are by being the primary caregiver for your mom and having put your life on the back burner. I’m glad you’re openly asking yourself these questions about your life after mom. Perhaps journal and begin a deep inquiry within and write down how you visualize life then. What are some things you’d like to do to fulfill yourself? If you start to brainstorm now, you will have ideas for when that day comes. Maybe you’ve wanted to join a knitting group, book club, church group, learn to paint begin an exercise program, etc. there’s lots of things that you can do but dream about it now not when you are in the aftermath of grief from loss. Maybe you can even get started on one of these things you wish to do. You really are young as I’m 67. I’ve made a point to have activities other than my role as caregiver so I don’t lose who I am. My best to you. Start dreaming 😊
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Dear Miku, I haven’t had your experience, but I could compare my situation after my first husband left me when I was in my early thirties. We had had quite a busy social life, but it soon became apparent that I had been cooking dinners for his friends, not mine. You have become ‘single’ in a different situation, but some things may be similar. Married couples often don’t really like socialising with single women, in particular. Perhaps you could find new friends your own age who have just become single, and may have more in common with you than you might expect. They may also be trying to make a different life, grieving in a different way, and wondering where everyone went.
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Libbby Aug 2019
Agreed - and acknowledge how hard it is to rebuild a social life. Give yourself time, I have found that it takes months to get to know new people. Are there MeetUp or other social groups near you that share common interests - movies, dining, hiking? Join a gym, exercise and other people help bridge the loneliness.
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Don’t listen to people who haven’t walked a mile in your shoes...period. They know nothing and the advice they give is worthless and often platitudes. Who you need right now is a qualified therapist to help you process the loss and emotions you are feeling. You had a big part of your life taken up by caring for her and of course you feel at loose ends now. Guilt is not a realistic feeling because you’ve done nothing wrong. Your heart is conflicting with your head right now. But the head told you that getting your mom proper round the clock care by staff was the right thing for her. You are not super woman! Now you still have a role but it’s as her daughter and carer off to the side. You will still have a valuable role. Truly no one can understand how you feel when they’ve not been through this. I have friends I just don’t discuss it with because their lack of empathy is upsetting so I talk to those who understand. That’s why coming here is so valuable. I hope you can get counseling but if you can’t, join a support group of caregivers or keep coming here. We understand!
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jjmummert Aug 2019
I agree...find a support group and a counselor, someone who deals with family and elder issues. You have a unique history with your mom. I believe visits with a counselor will be essential to reclaiming and nurturing your own identity. You are a wonderful daughter. It is time to move on to the role of care manager and move forward toward your own special future.
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This is one of my pet peeves about friends and family. My husband and I had a lot of friends but since he became ill, they just disappear. They would come for parties and then leave unheard from again. Family members are worse - no calls or cards. I feel sorry for my husband. If he were single, he’d have no one, period!

Sad! Very sad!
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Similiar situation here...although with me, it's all those people that said when she was in the hospital - oh, just call if you need any help with anything! And now they've long disappeared...they don't call her...or me...they all know where she's at now - in an adult foster care - but they don't stop by to see her or call. She feels abandoned by them.

I don't feel it's my place to call and badger people to care about her. It's sad because they're too busy or whatever to care about her - I don't know what to think of them other than they love to show up at the hospital and talk big and then when it comes down to the reality of the long-run their daily lives take over and they forget and move on to the next one who's in the hospital or whatever ... it's disappointing...these are her friends from church who've made these big statements about being there for her...and in the end I'm the only one who is there for her...sad to say.. I work full time myself, I'm 66 and I'm not there enough either...at least from her perspective. I think our society as a whole is not very caring about our elderly and would prefer to forget about them. Add that to the fact of her dementia and often times she can be rude - I know I was there once when a lady from church called around noon - and when she was picking up the phone (so I'm sure the lady heard her) she says ' WHY do people call right at lunchtime?' - I think I too would not call again if I heard someone say that! So they don't give much credence to her mental status and perhaps take it personally? I don't know...but I do know that this particular individual hasn't had much time for mom since that incident - of course mom doesn't remember it at all...and wonders why she doesn't hear from her friend...I tried to explain that she needs to call them...and I get a lot of excuses about how they're busy, sick, etc. She doesn't like to take the initiative to reach out to others...

Oh well...I know this doesn't help you...all I can say is try to make your own friends...take a break from caregiving, join some groups, find an interest...

Best to you!
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People say, "If you need anything give me a call" as a kind of cliche -- people say it but don't mean it. it is just a meaningless polite term. Your REAL friends will always be there when you need them. I have been taking care of my mom for decades, never moved away from home, always been just me and mom. But I have to face losing her since she's 90 and had Alzheimer's disease for 10 years, the last five were really bad. Now she is bedridden and kept alive with a feeding tube. It is hard to care for mom by myself as she is 100% dead weight and bedridden, and getting her bowels to move is no easy chore.

So no matter what age you are--and I'm nearly 60--those feelings you have will continue to be there. You made the right decision putting her in a nursing home and try to forge your own life. I sacrificed my life for my mom -- literally -- so don't fall in this same trap.

Still you need to visit her often and inspect her skin.
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You are a brave and gutsy young person. You took on a task, that much more seasoned folks dread, with great love and determination.

You are dealing with a major change in your life - caring for your mom 24/7 is stressful, so is the decision to move her into a residential facility, and so is adjusting to your "new" life". In a sense, you are experiencing grief and loss - for a way of life. Feel free to check out Griefshare - a faith-based support group for folks dealing with loss of a loved one - that is found in many places of worship.. No, mom is not dead, but the loss is real. You need caring folks that can identify, listen, and share their coping strategies. Spending time with a counsellor one-on-one is also a good idea. He/she can help you look at your new life situation and figure out ways to cope... even thrive!

People you know are probably at a loss of knowing how to help you. Figure out what you need from your friends and family - be specific with them: visit mom once a month on _____ date, help you sort through stuff in the home on ______ date, go out for a meal on ______, etc. They may be more able to handle those tasks. My girls are 27 and 29 and would find what you are doing monumental. Be proud of yourself, but find caring people to call friends.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thanks , that makes a lot more sense... was in desperation to to get help . I wasn't thinking when I was trying to talk to others of what has been happening .
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Hello Mikuhatsune01. Once I read Your Post I felt compelled to reply immediately, as Your Life experience is so very similar to my own and I have walked the same path with my
Own Mother, Rest in peace. I feel guilty because You are so young where as I was 57 years when My Mom died, and I found Family and Friends drifted away to continue on living their own Lives and showed very little concern for Mom or me. We have a very old saying Here in Ireland "WHEN YOUR BACK IS TO THE WALL" It is only then Youl know Who Your true Friends really are. It was only when I found this fabulous Site, Aging Care.com that I discovered my true
Friends, wonderful kind caring People Who advised me, and
taught me so much as I had no training or skills in Caring for my Mom Who was diagnosed with alzheimer's in 2003 hence I volunteered to Care for My Mother at home in Moms Home where We Lived together all of my Life since I am not Married. I continued Caring for my Mom at Home to the End which was June 2006, thanks to all of the Care givers on this wonderful Site. Never hesitate for one moment in contacting fellow Carers on Aging Care . Com when ever You need to ask a question or several questions or if You need to blow off steam and vent this is where You will discover Your true Friends, People Who have walked this path and Who really do Care.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you for the kind words. I will keep all of updated . It's just a lot to take in . I'm in my 20's. Not only did I lose my birth parents when I was a baby, my uncle died when I was 7, then it was just me and my aunt, who I call mom , so it's a lot to take in . Most people in there 20's don't go through so much pain , living without there birth parents... then putting there loved one in a nursing home... On top of all that, I did CNA for the past 4 years, while also caring for mom. So seeing people die over and over again really put a mark on me. So not only do I have anxiety and depression, mood problems, but possibly PTSD, it's A LOT for one person to take on, all on there own ....
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You are at a pivotal moment in your life, one that will require patience and understanding on your part as well. In general people do not deal well with constant drama and negatives. It is just human nature. Perhaps, some feel that since she is now placed in a home, everything is ok. I realize that it is not, and there still will be caretaker responsibilities, your young friends do not understand this, they are all about living their life, not donating it to a LO.

Putting your mother in a nursing home is the best thing for her and you both, it will give you a chance to start living your life, just as it should be for a young person.

I suggest that you start making a plan as to what your next step is, get out make new friends, a job, start living, each step that you take in the right direction will help you to improve your mental health. Make the past years a guidepost, not a hitching post...life is a song worth singing....sing it! Hugs!
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you . Slowly I've been talking to old high school friends . I already started school . Looking for a job. Getting back into hobbies... It's just A LOT . I'm trying to take it one day at a time .
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I have also been caring for my mom as younger caregiver for ten years. Im now 39. You are in the spot I wish I was at. Transition is never easy, but so necessary!! Your mom is now being cared for and you are only 27, its time to start living! I know its your mom, but she lived her 20's!! Hobbies, friends, relationships, education! The world is at your feet. Caring for mom from distance doesn't mean you don't care but you have to start thinking more about Your life now! As far as the family & friends. Well, you find out who your real friends and family are!! Mine has also mysteriously vanished while Ive had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Carma is the best you can hope for there. You made right decision and I'm fixing to do same thing. I can't handle it all any further, and its ok!! We pushed as far as humanly possible!! Keep your head up & take care of you!😇
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you <3 I wish you the best of luck . It's a process . Unless people have been in our shoes, no one can understand what we are going through.
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You will get through this and you are already strong. Caregiving made you strong! There is nothing to regret. You are doing everything you can, and you always have.

We find out at these very tough emotional times, who our real friends are -and aren’t. Like in your situation, I found out the people who I expected to be there just weren’t. It is painfully disappointing, but if you look for the silver lining, you will see some people who you didn’t expect will be there.

Savor every moment with your parent. She was there for you, and you for her, and as life has it, she cannot possibly be there forever. Make every moment count.

When you are not with her, take kind loving care of yourself. Don’t turn to liquor or food for comfort. Don’t overspend. These “vices” will compound your problems later. Join a gym, take a walk in nature, enjoy a great film.

You are not alone. There are legions of us who have walked in these same shoes.
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I hope that it doesn't happen to me, I'm in the same boat with my wife. Hardest decision I've ever made in my life! I can no longer deal with the mid-night and later bath room calls every night and have decided to put her in a home I am 65 ears old had breast cancer and colon surgery and physically unable to help in and out of bed and on and off the toilet. Good luck I really hope you get through it, your young and have your whole life ahead of you!!
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I'm not sure how to phrase this, so forgive me if it comes out wrong.

This is normal. Everyone says, "call me if you need me." - but really? They don't want you to call, especially if you're asking for help. I've had a lot of people say it to me since my DH passed last year and I just got into the habit of saying, "thank you, I appreciate your offer to help. I'll let you know."

And as long as I never seem to need help - people keep asking and offering.

27 is an adult, but looking at it from 67, you're actually still extremely young and you're right - people are "abandoning" you when you are in need. God is not a last resort, God was my first line of defense while I was seeking guidance to take care of my 96 yr old DH.

And, the people you're needing right now? They're probably in your age group and they don't know what to do or say - so they disappear. Try to start asking for hugs from people - that they can do, and hugs do help.
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First, you have no reason to feel guilty. You are doing what's best for your mom. You are going through a grieving process. It's normal to feel lost after being her caretaker for so long and being together. You don't have that now and even though some people may think that's great for you, it's a challenge. And it's normal. In your head you know your mom is being taken care of and you know you just can't do it anymore. It's getting your heart to know this. Do you have a job? If not you might want to look for one or if you don't need to work then maybe do volunteer work of some kind. Google it on the internet for your area for a list of places looking for help. (I was going to suggest you join a senior group but you are pretty young for that) Do you like animals? The zoo or a vet may be a good place. Take up playing the ukulele. (I did this and ended up in 4 different groups that keep me so busy it isn't even funny). As you make new friends things will get better. I'm pretty sure that as you look for things to keep you busy you'll have less time to be depressed about your mom. Please check back with us and let us know how you are doing.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you . I will try to do BOTH. Looking for a jobs, and volunteer . Also continuing school .
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Go get some professional help because you are dealing with a whole life change here - it is boarder line PSD that will get worse without some councelling -

Image your life as a boat that the anchor has suddenly been lost so is now adrift so you need to do something to stop from going up on some rocks so you might have to start an engine, put out a sea anchor, put up a sail .... all possible solutions but only you can pick but you need advice/education on how to do all these things

Remember you are doing this next step for yourself for the most part but somewhat for your mom so that you can cope with her next phases in the best way for you both - good luck
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
I thought I just had anxiety and depression . I forgotten about PTSD ... doesn't help that I did work doing CNA for the past four years while also caring for mom, watching people die, pass away over and over again. Most people my age, will not, and cannot understand what it's like going through that...
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Agree with all the above. Now is time to find your faith . As someone in the medical field you need to pop up there not announced on a regular basis and at different times. You seeing what’s going on and the staff seeing you regularly and at various times will afford that mom is watched over a little closer.... You don’t stay long. Just long just enough to check cleanliness. Her care etc then your gone.

i would also suggest that you stop by have a dinner with her. Then watch the staff shower and get her ready for bed. Maybe watch some TV until she falls asleep ..... Or yes if she’s able take her out to a lunch or a movie . Or do a combination of all these things

You can still have your mother/daughter relationship that does not have to end . .And your presence will alert the staff that you are making sure moms taken care of.
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Please give yourself time for adjustment. This is like grieving a death, but in fact may be worse. It is a loss that others do not recognize as a loss, but think that you should feel free. In one sense you do. In another you feel grief for your Mom that she had to give up being with you, grief for yourself that you could no longer go on (and it is GRIEF you feel, I think, not guilt, because after all this time you DO know your limitations and you are right to).
You know, it was easy ENOUGH for everyone to offer help when you didn't take them up on it, when you were too busy, when they could just say their easy platitude and feel good about themselves. But NOW you have the nerve to actually need their help, and to need someone to talk to.
My recommend is that you get that SOMEONE TO TALK TO and have it be a professional. Licensed Social workers skilled in counseling on life change are often stellar at this helping you comb out your new life.
You are helpless as a newborn, hon. Look on it as a rebirth. As learning how to negotiate a whole new world. It may not BE the old friends. You may need new friends now who don't know the "old you". It may be some few of each.
Please do express a bit of what you have told US with your old friends. Say "You always said if I/we need you to tell you. I do need you. I need to just talk with a friend. Please let me know when you can give me an hour for lunch, let me MAKE you lunch, let me vent. I am confused, and need your wise counsel.
And again, please give yourself a good amount of time. You are a newborn. It will take time. It will for you and for Mom both. It won't be easy. There is an old Simon Says game in which you take as many steps back or forward as the caller tells you. You usually make slow progress forward, but not without some back steps. That's life.
Good luck. The absolute best of luck. You have DONE HARD. You know how to do hard. You will learn new things, new ways of being. That will all be, in the long run, to your benefit. You have been places most 27 years olds today cannot even begin to imagine. You have much to contribute to our world. Give yourself time. Be gentle with others and with yourself.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
A newborn ... I never thought Id hear anyone calling me that . Thanks for the understanding words. I know it will take me a long time to adjust to this... I'm still grieving, coping with all this... I hate it honestly , but there's not much left I can do . I did all I could do for mom . I tried my hardest to help mom, make her happy, make sure shes safe.
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You are grieving the loss of your mom...the loss of your “normal life”... as sure as you’d be grieving at a death. It seems as if you are spiraling. You are thrashing around looking for some solace. I imagine it feels as if the others have abandoned you because they can’t solve for this. They can’t take away this pain. They can’t stop your spiraling. You must go through this pain. Nothing or nobody can prevent that. Now, you CAN do many things to alleviate your hurt. First, breathe. Seriously, work on concentrating on your breathing. (I had to go to therapist when I was in somewhat similar circumstances. He pointed out that I was sighing a lot and holding my breath. Breathing exercises helped tremendously.) Please. Please find therapist.
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Start with long visits and gradually it will be easier to make them shorter.  I visited at lunch almost daily to help feed my mom before she passed.  You can get to know other family members  maybe your mom has a roommate ,they can help and believe me not all homes have great care so if you visit often it's like a check up to seen for yourself
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You did the right thing finding a nursing home for your mother when it became obvious you could not manage her hands on care all by yourself. Now you are feeling not only unwarranted guilt about having "abanboned" her but you are feeling a bit purposes and at loose ends not having the day to day care taking tasks you were used to.

Do you work? Go to school? Are you able to support yourself? You are a lot younger than most of us on this forum. Your life and future are ahead. Think about things you would like to be doing now that care taking does not take up every hour of every day. Some of those ideas might give you focus on how to go on. You include your mother by visiting her, but she Does not have to be the ONLY thing you do.
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Justme44 Aug 2019
This is a great suggestion!!😇Especially school. I went to college four years ago, part time, and it has helped alot to distract me from constant caregiver mindset. I have earned two certifications and finish with Associates in Finance in the Spring. Putting your mind else where allows you to figure out what you want for your future.
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Are we sisters and I was never told this?  I will be your big sister if we are.
It's just me and my mom, and it is like I told everyone my mother had the Plague the way the "family" left afterwards.  I TOTALLY get what you are saying.  I've been doing it for 3 1/2 years.  It is hard.
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Please find a support group even now that your mother is in a nursing home. Friends and family may not have the capacity I find to offer understanding or support. I started doing things alone to explore what I enjoy to get me away from care giving mindset. It felt lonely at first but life starts to happen. I think the more of your life you experience is what you now have to share with your mother. If you've helped her for so long, take time ground yourself now and take care of yourself. Best of wishes.
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What exactly do you want your family to do for you? Your friends? Hold your hand? Do you have a job - maybe go get one / part-time to start - that will take your mind off things / you can still visit your mom in the nursing home and spend time with her/
youll be fine - it’s a life changing routine for you now - seek out some therapy if you’re lost- people go thru change all the time! That is all life really is
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Justme44 Aug 2019
I think the poster is just expressing how much change it really is to go through. Its upsetting that people you think you can call on or expect kindness from, just vanish in the wind once your life is a caregiver. I don't think she was asking for her hand to be held but a little empathy or listening ear from those that always mentioned to call on them if needed. I totally get where she is coming from but also know that the only thing in this world that is consistent, is Change.
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Wow, you've been through a lot.

There are always people who will disagree with your choice to put a person in a NH. That's OK. They're entitled to their opinion. Allow them that. Do not let it bother you. You made the best choice you could and take a deep breath and let their negativity go in one ear and out the other.

Since you have been caring for your mom so long, perhaps your relationships were pretty neglected. Most caregivers don't have much time to do things with their friends and family. It might take time and effort to build and rebuild relationships. Be patient, stick with it, and you will find the right people to be part of your world.

You're going to have to find a new life for yourself. A job, friends, maybe a SO?? It's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself and the rest of the world as you adjust to all the newness.

I would also like to suggest that you do not put too much time into your mom at the NH. They are there to care for her and you are now a part-time supportive family member, not the main caregiver. Visit, keep an eye on things, but live your life too.
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You have missed out on a substantial amount of learning time. After high school people learn how to socialize, get and keep work, how to be their own individual. Pretty much everyone finds that transition challenging, you're just doing it later in life.

Get a counselor who can walk you through it. Your peers have forgotten what they went through, so now are unable to help you. The good news is, this will be easy with skillful guidance.
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It's not like you WANT to put your mom in a nursing home, it's because you can't take care of her anymore. I was in the same boat with my mom but I didn't have anyone criticizing me. My brother was ok with it. He never helped me physically with my mom but did other things. It got to the point where she couldn't do anything for herself. Our hospice team agreed and the last time she went into the hospital they put her in the nursing home. I don't remember them asking me but I would have agreed to it anyway. My mom also had dementia and one time I went to see her and she thought I was going to take her home. I told her I couldn't and why. She told me to get the hell out of her room. Lol She passed away three months ago and now she's at peace and no longer suffering.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
True . I mean , unless people are going through it, then they can't empathize or sympathize with what a caregiver is going through, putting someone in a nursing home. It's a lot to take in .
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