I am 73, my husband, also my children's father is 75. He has dementia. We have 3 grown children. Neither of us have great health. How do I apologize to my children now for the help we will get from them as time goes on? How do I handle that one does much more than the other 2? I would like to pay someone outside the family for all our needs but that is not possible. I try very very hard not to call on any of the 3. I actually enjoyed caring for both my father and my mother when the time came but it seems young people of today don't feel the way we did. Any suggestions?
Well, for starters, don't say this to your children! Maybe it's because I'm exhausted for having not slept in a week or so, with being up with my FIL at night, but this kind of struck me the wrong way. Did you REALLY enjoy it, or were there parts of it that were tiring and difficult? The fact that you want to "pre-apologize" to your kids tells me that maybe you know how difficult it can be.
Beyond that, simply having your affairs in order is a huge thing. Establish POAs, get your financial affairs in order, maybe even consider funeral arrangements ahead of time (not trying to be morbid; FIL has had his funeral arrangements paid for, years ago!)
Also, acknowledge when you can no longer do things on your own, and accept help when it's needed. That's one of the biggest things I read on this forum, and that we deal with with my FIL. He often refuses to acknowledge when he needs help (both before and after coming to live with us). We often beg Dad to just make it easy for us to help him, and accept our help. That's usually more difficult, than the actual act of whatever it is we're assisting him with.
He also apologizes ALL THE TIME. I wish he would stop. I can't tell you the number of times a day I say to Dad, "You don't have to apologize, it's okay!" So, my advice is - don't apologize. Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do.
Hope all that makes sense.
Also, with respect, if you and your husband are in your seventies then I don't think your children can quite qualify as Young People of Today, surely? They are adults, perhaps with families of their own, certainly with their own lives to lead. Don't demand of them more than they wish to offer.
Where do you live? Downsizing sounds like it is in order. Do you own your house? Do not think about living with the children for an option. Consider selling to provide you cash to set yourselves up where it is easier to get help. Is Medicaid is in the picture? Get with an elder law attorney to get the necessary documents prepared.
Then I set up a CaringBridge website where I frequently posted updates about Coy's progress and difficult decisions we faced, and how we went about making them.
No one could ever say they didn't know what was going on.
I think being open and honest with all of your children, including talking to them all at the same time or sending all of them the same email, so you are sure they all get the same message is the best way to prepare them for what might lie ahead. There is no need to apologize for getting old -- they'll do that someday, too.
About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now. If you are communicating regularly with all of the kids, they should accept this as reasonable and fair.
Please, ask for help as you need it. Are the children who now help less living close enough to do some tasks? If it is hard for them to actually do hand-on care for their father, could they do other things to free up your time and energy? Could one come over and do your laundry Wednesday evening? The other come and mop and vacuum on Saturdays? They may not want to do these things, and that is OK, but please give them the opportunity to help.
Bless you for being so caring of your children's feelings. But there is no need to apologize, in advance or otherwise.
With respect to the two children who don't help as much, I would suggest asking them outright if they don't volunteer. Don't leave that job to the one helpful child, and don't put everything on that one just because they're easier to deal with. Reluctant helpers may respond a lot better to direct requests from their parents than pressure or guilt from the sibling. And the helpful child will bless you for it.
Apologizing - I'd love just once to hear my mother say "I'm sorry to put you in this position. I wish I had done things differently." Maybe not every day but at least once in a while. And yes, appreciation helps too. Lead with that, certainly.
I hear that you enjoyed caring for your parents when the time came, but in past generation, the time usually came and went fairly quickly. Not any more. Both you and your husband are rather young and might live another few decades. Your kids could get to be your age and have similar health conditions to what you have now and still be tending to you and Dad. You can imagine that could be a strain.
About needing help. Now is the time to downsize, if you haven't already. Move to the lowest-maintenance property you can find and afford, and the closest to services such as groceries and medical. Too many elderly need extensive help simply because they insist on living in homes they can't maintain, that are too far from the services they need, when they can no longer drive, mow the lawn, clean the house, or climb the stairs. Bite the bullet and do as much as you can to spare your kids unnecessary labor and aggravation.
Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children.
If you would like to share with them how much you love them and you'd like to do this before you're unable to I suggest writing them each a letter. Not an email but a letter on paper. Tell the adult child who helps you the most where to find those letters or mail them off yourself but don't mention anything about them helping you and your husband as time goes on. Don't apologize to them in advance because you don't know that they will help you. If I had received a letter from my mom apologizing to me in advance for helping her as she aged I would have thought it was a manipulative ploy to play on my guilt and I wouldn't have liked or appreciated it.
Hold off on the apologies for now.
Yes! Please acknowledge the one who helps with more than just a thank you!
Make sure you have the important financial and legal papers in place - update documents at least every five years. Power of Attorneys Financial and Durable, Advance Directives, Wills.
Make sure you have copies of a will in at least 2 places - preferably one with the executor and one in a safe deposit box or other offsite location. One flood at my house and I was grateful we had set up backup provisions.
If you have insurance policies, make sure to update the beneficiaries and keep a list of policies, numbers, and the phone numbers to call. My best friend's mother had a 50 year old policy that was fully paid up - only $1000 but it will cover my friend's mother's cremation if need be. And it might have caused problems with Medicaid application if unknown and undisclosed later.
If you have a DNR, make sure that you have multiple copies and it is EASILY found. My stepmother didn't have my father's handy when he coded in their living room, and the EMT's could easily have ignored her verbal advise. He was in stage 4 colon cancer, and he would NOT have wanted to be revived.
Caringbridge is great idea, but if you don't want it..Please, please, please make a list of your doctors, your medications, and your medical conditions being treated past and present. If your family has NO idea of your current requirements, they are making decisions in a vacuum if there is an issue. My husband and his brother had no idea that they had been exposed to hepatitis due to parent's having the disease until a routine blood test showed antibodies. Fortunately, neither son contracted the disease but HAVING NO CLUE? As blood donors both sons were exposing who knows how many others? With family history, you can narrow down diagnosis with odd diseases. My BIL's lymphoma was more quickly diagnosed when family history was known after being hidden for years.
And if you ask for help, volunteer to pay for gas if you can. Plane tickets. Hotel rooms. Arrange for housekeeping or meals on wheels if you can manage on your own to apply.
THIS!! Exactly. I do understand that Dad has good days and bad days, and he has dementia, but sometimes I wish he would take an interest in anything, or anyone, besides himself. It's kind of sad, because he used to be very social. I also remember my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, but when I called her to chat, the only thing she ever talked about was her arthritis and ailments. It got old quickly, and it's hard to hear only about that stuff.
Aside from my in laws buying burial plots years ago, they did NOTHING to prepare for the late years of their lives.
My husband and I spent weeks and weeks going through their house that was filled (to the ceiling in some rooms) with hoarded crap. I could go on and on about this one element alone but that’s another post.
After clearing out we were faced with a home that was in such disrepair it took us nearly six months to fix what was wrong.
All of this in addition to appointments to get both parents back on track with the proper medications, and to set up occupational therapy.
My husband also was able to take control of their legal matters but that too took time to set up.
Using our experience as an example can help motivate you to do what you can do now to help your children out in the years to come so when you do need more assistance it will make it easier for them to step in and do just that, take care of you!
One day he said it bothered him that it all seemed to fall on my shoulders. I just reminded him that my sisters both worked and I was already home. It does make a difference.
Not every person is designed to be a caregiver - I certainly never knew that I was, although I often said that my mother raised me to be her caregiver when the time came. She was the first to pass and I cared for my dad another 7.5 years but it was more assisting than caregiving. Now I am full-time caregiver for my husband.
I was also going to say, don't apologize. However, do explain your needs and do try to get all your affairs in order.
73 & 75 aren't really "old" by today's standards. But if your health-needs make you dependent on another, then you do need to have everything as straight as possible.
Start with a listing of all medications and when they are taken - and why they are needed.
When I stepped in as assistant for my dad, I had to learn everything on my own - my mother had done so much of the work that Pop just didn't know much about his own self. He had been sicker than any of us realized, starting with his heart and ending with his knees. But during the first year we took care of everything and made him as healthy as possible. He was even able to go back to baking. (Master Pastry Chef.)
perhaps it is not that we don't care for our aging parents as they did theirs? rather it may have to do with our [baby boomers'] parents being in decline. longer. thru meds; which keep many physical issues at bay, but cannot control the mental decline.
this is what so very many of us could never have predicted - we never observed our parents ever having dealt with this when their parents were aging - and we find we are suddenly faced with a longer term of caregiving our parents, who never had to experience it with theirs.
i keep my son apprised of the strange behaviors of my mom with dementia, so that he is not unaware of this concept - altho i do not want to burden him with it of course. we in our 60's will hopefully make preparations for our elder years so we do not burden our children.
Check this link out. It's an active one now on AgingCare. It might give you an idea of things you can proactively do to help yourself and your children when needed.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/information-gathering-as-a-caregiver-is-there-a-list-of-information-i-should-have-on-hand-for-my-fils-care-432846.htm
My mother is 95 with memory loss [and dementia] something she never wanted. and so never really planned for
I dont encourage my children to go see her, as she [and my father] really had little to do with any of their grandchildren when able. and its NOT their granny really.
I have for my children's sake, paid for my funeral, finally organised the POA and ePOA and will in the very near future on the eve of my 70th, write up the care of all the little things I need to do to keep my body moving [ Ive a complex medical history] and that letter will go in to the lawyers so if the ePOA has to be triggered off he can hand that to my children. I will also have a letter to be given on my death. and that will contain the apologies for not being the best .
Yes I have pre apologised, and my Ma in her lucid moments is worried she is causing us problems . And I have told my daughter to ignore my protestations if I need to be shut away, then shut me away and please dont visit. I am not going to blackmail her to caring for me when she has no medical app in her gene [despite being the daughter of a Dr and nurse]
To me when I hear my peers saying they don't want to go into an institution for care, well that really isn't our right to choose. Making children 'suffer' isn't right.
That isn't saying if a daughter/son/ DIL wants to, then they, are the ones to decide if they can manage.
I dont want to live to 95 but not have been independent for the past 10yrs!! So organising for the worst scenario is important
You almost sound like my parents' did years ago.
I agree with WhirledTravel; please don't apologize. Second; I wouldn't assume young people of today won't rise to the challenge. Give us 'children' time to adjust and we usually will either surprise you or fail the challenge. I'm aware of all the daughter - guilt (or child guilt ) that is supposed to make us feel an obligation toward our parents - I just want to be clear that I have no guilt in caring for them. Some of us don't feel guilty at all (deprived of sleep, coffeeless...which is a bad place for me to be since my coffee needs to be in the form of an IV attached to my veins.... and possibly grouchy....but I'm hardly feeling guilty...) Nor have they expected us to take care of them...which nearly started an argument.....and as a former member of the banking industry, you'd be surprised how the "I didn't want you to worry about me/I can take care of yourself" has created epic arguments...
Each family is different but for those that want to help, please let them.
Coming off caring for my mother (Alzheimer's) and my father (who is recovering from major surgery at this time), I can't think why you would feel an apology (or even a pre-apology) would be in order for something that is not in your control.
My mother is now 75 and my father 79;so I am not assuming the young people of today are as young as its being inferred. There are situations in caregiving that if I thought about the role reversal of what I'm doing for my parents, it could possibly scar me forever. But I'm speaking from the other side of the table; your 3 grown children may not truly agree with your assessment of what they are likely to do.
In personal experience, not even my parents anticipated how much effort the 3 of us collectively did to make what their caregiving looks like today.
Do I get exhausted as a caregiver? Yes; it's not wine and roses 24/7. Do I regret pitching in? Absolutely not; I or my siblings, the "children' in the family. Yes, our lives are fixed and we are neck deep in obligations, but the one thing that does remain stubbornly clear is that the romance of youth and the ignorance about our mortality will die under the harsher realities of age and experience. We know it; and we don't like it any more than you do.
Our goal, (an adult "child")'s goal is to help a parent manage their independence for as long as possible (even if it's not truly independent.)
We all have to process mortality, and why WhirledTravel gave you great advice: "Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do. " Not everyone can rise to the challenge of caregiving, but no one can help at all if you shut important people out of the process we all have to face when we age.
I'm not here to take over my parents' life: i'm here to support it as best I can. If never given the opportunity, you may never know, but apologies aren't needed. Not even pre-apologies.
But in her bid to not be a burden on us, she allowed herself to get very ill with sepsis among other things. She might even be alive today still, maybe not dancing jigs but still with us.
I think pre-apologizing for things that may or may not happen is almost like setting yourself up for failure. Its like if you could do something to alter the past you end up upsetting the whole balance of your future and everyone else's. I think if your children already know that you don't want to be a burden that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't still end up being a burden and that they won't still resent you for it. It really depends on what they are made of right?
I think you need to set yourself up as much as you can now so you as well as your children will be prepared for what is to come and even if you do that there is no predicting how and when the sh*t will hit the fan tomorrow or ten years from now.