How do I apologize to my children ahead of time?

Rather than assuming, have a talk with the family. Someone suggested "Do all you can to support yourself, accept limited offers of help, and say thank you and be pleasant. You might be surprised that your children make time to help you." BEFORE having this talk, consider what others have suggested - having documentation, needs (current and future) and a PLAN in place - this will go a long way. Research your options. They may not understand how much help you need or what might be needed in the future. Dementia is a scary thing and perhaps they feel that they are not able to help and/or feel that you are handling it. If you are not in good health, you WILL need to make plans for your husband as eventually you will NOT be able to care for him. Relying on your children may not be the answer. Communication is key!

Apologizing is not really the way to go, especially before knowing if or when you might need extensive assistance from your family. We never know what tomorrow brings (see my example below). You should not have to apologize if you ask for help anyway. If they are balking at helping, then perhaps they are overwhelmed with their own issues. Perhaps they do not feel qualified to do the things you are asking for. Your statement does not provide enough information to make an assessment about this. Plan ahead for your discussion and include questions for them about what, if anything, they think they can do to help. Ask if they need or want reimbursement. No judgements. No assuming. No recriminations.

You have received a lot of very good advice in the comments:
**In particular I highly recommend the tasks of preparing for the future yourself, for whatever it may hold. Visit with an Elder Care attorney to have all the appropriate documents put in place (DPOA, medical directives, assessing assets and putting protections in place, set up a trust for home/assets, seeking out alternative living arrangements, etc). Including your children in this endeavor is important. They may or may not want the responsibilities that goes with being assigned DPOA or MPOA.
**Having easy access to medical information for both of you is another good bit of advice, as it would be difficult to know what is needed in an emergency. List of condition(s) and medication(s) should be provided and updated on a regular basis.
**Paying the one child who helps, even a minimal amount, could be of help to them, but as others have suggested, do this with clear instructions (caregiving agreement and make it official, perhaps with the EC attorney when you set up all the other documentation) about how much and for what, otherwise if you or your husband ever needs Medicaid, they WILL consider this a "gift" and will hold it against you (delays any Medicaid money.) During that family discussion, they may say they do not want to get paid. They *may* surprise you!
**You could also offer the others who are currently not helping as much the opportunity to help with pay, via this same caregiving agreement. Make the agreement generic enough to allow for payment to whoever helps, if that can be done, but specific enough to pass the Medicaid smell test (EC Atttorney!) However, remember that this is not always about getting paid to help - sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day to provide that help, or perhaps they do not really understand what help you need or do not feel qualified to provide it.
**Downsize if possible - as others have noted, doing this after the fact becomes a major task! Move to a smaller place or consider Independent Living.

For everyone and anyone who feels they are in this predicament:

There are many reasons to prepare all this ASAP, but as an example, my mother's cousin was taking care of her husband with dementia (and not really admitting there was an issue). She came up from FL with him briefly to handle her sister's affairs upon death. A year and a day later, she also passed, leaving him alone (and the execution of the will incomplete, which then fell onto ME!) Their son apparently took advantage of the situation, taking dad to the bank and withdrawing money, at least until someone at the bank turned him in.**(see note at the end of this post!!) The state stepped in and assigned a guardian. The details are slim, but presumably he was put in a nursing home and all assets (including their home, which would have been long ago paid for) were taken for his care. The son basically screwed himself as he was an only child and would have eventually inherited what was left. The money issue was bad enough, but who knows what he was or was not doing for his dad (taking him in, personal care, medications, etc?) Not many family members would take advantage of an elder like this, but having information as well as the "power" to handle someone's affairs is SO critical in a case like this. What would happen to your husband/wife if something happened to you tomorrow? What happens to you if he must go to a nursing home? Can you afford the cost? Would you lose your home? This is important in that if you prepare with an Elder Care attorney, at the very least a car, your home and half the assets would be protected, i.e. you get to keep them!

I am not presuming anything or passing judgment on this poster or anyone else, but it is hard to tell from what little you have stated. What kind of relationship have you kept with your three children after they 'flew the coop' but before dad's decline? Is it a two-way street where they enjoy visiting with you and having you come to visit, or do you wait for or expect them to come because you are there and/or need something? Do you attempt to visit but they are too busy? Our mother was happy to see us visit and/or help whenever. She helped us, we helped her. She visited, we visited. It might not have been on a regular basis, but we each took/gave what we could. For my former MIL even if we could make a weekly visit it was not sufficient - she EXPECTED us to just drop everything and come more often because that is what SHE wanted (and she needed no help at that time nor did she help us.)

Assuming that people today would not enjoy, or even tolerate, caring for their elders is ASSUMING a lot. Like in your case, our grandmother was cared for by her children's families - they took turns. She was not really a burden, she just needed a place to stay and to have someone meet her basic needs - food, clean clothes, a place to sleep, family gatherings, etc and our families provided that, taking turns. She was pleasant enough and although she had some medical issues, they were not really extensive. It was not really a huge burden and no one complained or suffered for it. Although some were still working, for many of the women back then it was part time or not a huge financial impact, so they had more time to give or could give up that job without a huge impact. Most of the children of these families were grown and on their own, so there were not many children involved. Most were also younger, less than retirement age. Many elders back in the day passed along much sooner/younger due to heart disease, cancer, diabetes, etc. Perhaps by the time they came to live with you there was no home to fix/clean/sell. Perhaps their personal items were limited, no need to do extensive clean out. Perhaps there was just their meager SS payment and simple Medicare to deal with and it was used to help offset their care.

Fast forward to today - many elders are living MUCH longer lives. By the time they need assistance, their children might be seniors themselves and have their own medical issues. Our mother just turned 94! Two of us ARE retirement age. Medical improvements have treated once terminal illnesses, allowing for longer life. Better living conditions have also contributed to longer life. Most younger families are now two-wage earners to survive in today's economy. Jobs are often lost making it difficult for families to survive never mind taking on the care and finances of another one or two people. Some elders now have one or more homes. Some of these have degraded over time and require extensive work. Some have collected YEARS worth of stuff, much of it is worthless (brother thought the Hummels would be worth something - HAHAHAHAHA!) Prepping and selling a home is not easy. I've done it once, did not plan to do it again, but now we have try to clean/fix/rent and then eventually sell mom's condo and most likely I will get the brunt of this work! In addition to Medicare, extra medical plans are often in place. Pensions (fast going the way of the Dodo) add to income and money managing. Multiple credit cards and/or bank accounts may be involved. The paperwork and phone calls alone are almost a full-time job! It is NOT an easy task to manage all that, much less what physical and personal help might be needed!!! It might seem simple without considering all that needs to be done, but trust me - IT ISN'T!

Enter dementia. This is fast becoming the biggest medical crisis. You are not alone. Unlike our grandmother, someone with more than initial stages of dementia CANNOT be left alone while everyone works. Because this progresses, unevenly and more quickly for some forms of it, at least one person must exit the workforce AND commit to eventual 24/7 care. This can last (and it becomes much worse over time) for YEARS! Not everyone is cut out for this task and some have their own conditions that prevent full time care like this. This is at best a difficult and often thankless job. At worst, it can cut the caregiver's life short. Because of many issues, sometimes providing care for elders is not possible - it isn't always just because they don't feel like you did. There are MANY postings just on this website from people who are feeling major guilt because they cannot or could not provide this care and had to place their loved one in a facility. There are others who are suffering from their own medical conditions, sometimes because they DID provide the care. Sometimes the home is not amenable to having a disabled person and it would be cost prohibitive to make modifications. Before our mom developed this, all I had ever heard of was Alzheimer's and the information was minimal. Now I know so much more. Needs increase over time - incontinence, mobility issues, paranoia or hallucinations, sun-downing... I could go on, but most everyone here understands all this!

We three did NOT make the decision lightly to place mom in a memory care place. One brother is still working, often crazy hours and would not be able to provide the full-time care she needs. He is currently living with a girlfriend (a recent addition to his life) and it should NOT be her job to take care of HIS mother! The other lives 1-2 days drive away (which means it would be difficult for us to give him a break once in a while) and although he "retired" he took on a full-time position and is also not able to care for her full-time. NEITHER of them fully understands the whole dementia thing, even though I have tried to share with them what I have learned. I really do not believe that they could care for her even if they were not working. They do not have the skill set. They were thinking 1) how easy and nice it was for our families to care for our Nana and 2) how awful nursing homes were (dad was in one for a while, and they CAN be awful; he should have been AL or MC but they were not as common at that time). I could not lift my grandmother when I was young (20) and stronger, and with a bad lower back now (spinal issue) I could never lift my mother. She outweighs me by at least 25-40 lbs! In addition, the place I bought is still undergoing repairs so it is not a safe place for her to live. Also full set of stairs MUST be traversed to get in/out and she has enough trouble walking and stepping off a curb. Stairs would be a big no-no. She often needs to be coaxed into social activities (it IS important) and other times must be redirected or refocused to get out of the need to go someplace (previous home, her mother's, walk to my place, etc.) To be honest, most of the non-personal care has fallen onto me. I do not ask for or take any money for doing this, but it does take a lot of my time. The paperwork alone is still an ongoing issue (2+ years). Handling other issues, like getting assigned as representative for pension, SS/Medicare, IRS and VA, as well as trying to close several charge cards we found tucked away, takes up too much of my time (and appears it will continue as after finally getting the pension paperwork approved, which took TWO years. They told me I will have to provide reports periodically to show that I am using her payment for her. Pension and SS fall about 4k LESS than the cost of the MC facility! I suspect SS will require the same.) All calls and dealings with the MC facility come to me. Most appointments fall on me (all but sometimes I get brother to drive as I have no A/C for nasty days.) Organizing (and providing some) clean out, clean up, packing and storing, as well as repairs on her condo also fall on me. It is better that I handle it the organization (but I cannot move bigger items), but I would like more time for myself!! If I added her personal care to that, I would have no time at all, possibly even NEGATIVE time!! ALL this DESPITE having set up the DPOA, medical directives, having already been on her primary account!! Getting THAT out of the way will be an huge help for future issues, but it does NOT take care of all the rest!!!

**** A few have mentioned this - please PLEASE get rid of things you no longer use!! Make needed repairs if you own your place!!! If you live in a large, rural area, consider selling and moving to a smaller place more accessible to your needs, especially if/when you can no longer drive, or an Independent Living place, which often has AL and MC associated with it so as dementia or infirmity progresses, you can transition. So far two days were lost to being at her condo for heating system delivery and the install (the system died.) Several windows need glass replaced (fogging up due to blown seals) as well as sink, faucets and possibly both toilets. Painting many rooms will be needed, and replacement of some of the shades (damaged or discolored.) These will all take up my time, just to make the place ready for rent or sale. Also, mom has enough clothes, shoes and handbags, as well as cosmetic jewelry, that we could open a store!!! I would not classify her as a hoarder, however, every closet (two bedroom condo has 3, one of which is walk-in plus two with shelves) AND 5 of those porta-closets (LARGE zippered organizers for clothes) are STUFFED FULL of clothes!!! Some may have been worn ONCE, if at all. I have found purses with plastic still on the zipper tabs, which means they were not used. This is NOT a fun task. It takes 3 hours just to drive to/from her place and I can only pack and do so much because of my back - basically any trip there ruins a whole day for me. It isn't a visit with her, but it does take away time that I *COULD* visit with her.

So, in summary, make a plan. Discuss all options and concerns with your children. Consider ALL options. I am not a religious person, but the old axiom 'God helps those who help themselves' certainly applies. You cannot assume ANYTHING, certainly not what others can or cannot do, will or will not do. You have to work on what YOU can handle and then see if or how they can assist. You need to prepare for any eventuality! Once again, we do NOT know what tomorrow has in store for us!!

**For those negative people who say do not do this personal/financial preparation as your representatives are just vultures waiting to pick you clean - don't bother replying. The number of people who take advantage of DPOA is minimal. There are WORSE people out there waiting to rip you off when you become incompetent. The state can rip you off as well, if not more! Choose someone you know you can trust, and have a backup or secondary person who can keep things honest if you must (there should be at least a secondary anyway, in case the primary cannot or will not continue to perform those duties.) Relying on "going digital" is not just ridiculous without some oversight, it can be disastrous!

My grandparents were all like my stepmom - and moved to assisted living on their own initiative and arranged their own care and were wonderful to be around. As a teenager i often went over and did homework there because they liked the company. (and i would fetch groceries etc)

Which is why i don't understand my parents and Inlaws who did not slave for parents but expect us to slave.

My stepmom is aging with grace - which is what i would like to do.

Kimber166..Your stepmom sounds wonderful and a joy to be around! Its so nice to hear that it is possible to be that way when we grow old

Thanks for the smile for today💜

The more you are able to arrange for yourself, the more your children will likely want to spent time with you. I mentioned four elders earlier - i actually have five. My stepmom is the 5th and actually my favorite. She still cleans and does laundry but has someone come and do the yard work and she orders groceries and medicine on line. When i visit - she doesn't have a large to do list and complaints (like the others do) - she makes a cup of coffee and we sit and talk about her, her activities, me, my DH, she enjoys our son etc. Wonderful person to visit with. Her house has alot of windows and i noticed they were dirty and i offered to come back and do the windows in her house. It took me most of the day and i needed ladder for the huge window in the front part of their chalet. Unlike my MIL she didn't follow me around pointing out streaks. She thanked me heartily, had a wonderful chile ready for lunch and sent some home for my DH and son. I enjoy helping her. We have gotten into the habit where i say "I have an hour, what can i do for you" and she has a very specific manageable list - "can you take my recycling in - it has accumulated" and she says thank you. Now, my other elders on the other hand - expect days and days of time, refuse to do anything like hire someone (that costs money!!!!) and then complain about the quality of the job i do.

Do all you can to support yourself, accept limited offers of help, and say thank you and be pleasant. You might be surprised that your children make time to help you.

Set up long-term care for yourselves in your financial portfolio. Do not assume nor require your adult children to provide care.

My Mom hung on to her independence fiercely, at the cost of her own health. When she had to have open heart surgery at age 79 she wasn't even going to tell us. I found out by accident when I was at her place and I saw she had written surgery on her calendar.

But in her bid to not be a burden on us, she allowed herself to get very ill with sepsis among other things. She might even be alive today still, maybe not dancing jigs but still with us.

I think pre-apologizing for things that may or may not happen is almost like setting yourself up for failure. Its like if you could do something to alter the past you end up upsetting the whole balance of your future and everyone else's. I think if your children already know that you don't want to be a burden that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't still end up being a burden and that they won't still resent you for it. It really depends on what they are made of right?

I think you need to set yourself up as much as you can now so you as well as your children will be prepared for what is to come and even if you do that there is no predicting how and when the sh*t will hit the fan tomorrow or ten years from now.

First, I think it's great ur looking ahead. Bet alot of AC members wish their parents had. While caring for Mom I realized the one reason she depended on me was because she never asked the other three to do for her. So, spread the responsibility around. Don't depend on one child. I told my girls I don't expect them to care for me (they will only be in their 50s when I am 85) but I do expect them to be there for me. Visits, important dates etc.

When I first read your question, my first thought was "what?"

You almost sound like my parents' did years ago.

I agree with WhirledTravel; please don't apologize. Second; I wouldn't assume young people of today won't rise to the challenge. Give us 'children' time to adjust and we usually will either surprise you or fail the challenge.  I'm aware of all the daughter - guilt (or child guilt ) that is supposed to make us feel an obligation toward our parents - I just want to be clear that I have no guilt in caring for them.  Some of us don't feel guilty at all (deprived of sleep, coffeeless...which is a bad place for me to be since my coffee needs to be in the form of an IV attached to my veins.... and possibly grouchy....but I'm hardly feeling guilty...) Nor have they expected us to take care of them...which nearly started an argument.....and as a former member of the banking industry, you'd be surprised how the "I didn't want you to worry about me/I can take care of yourself" has created epic arguments...

Each family is different but for those that want to help, please let them. 

Coming off caring for my mother (Alzheimer's) and my father (who is recovering from major surgery at this time), I can't think why you would feel an apology (or even a pre-apology) would be in order for something that is not in your control.

My mother is now 75 and my father 79;so I am not assuming the young people of today are as young as its being inferred. There are situations in caregiving that if I thought about the role reversal of what I'm doing for my parents, it could possibly scar me forever. But I'm speaking from the other side of the table; your 3 grown children may not truly agree with your assessment of what they are likely to do. 

In personal experience, not even my parents anticipated how much effort the 3 of us collectively did to make what their caregiving looks like today.

Do I get exhausted as a caregiver? Yes; it's not wine and roses 24/7. Do I regret pitching in? Absolutely not; I or my siblings, the "children' in the family. Yes, our lives are fixed and we are neck deep in obligations, but the one thing that does remain stubbornly clear is that the romance of youth and the ignorance about our mortality will die under the harsher realities of age and experience. We know it; and we don't like it any more than you do.

Our goal, (an adult "child")'s goal is to help a parent manage their independence for as long as possible (even if it's not truly independent.)

We all have to process mortality, and why WhirledTravel gave you great advice: "Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do. " Not everyone can rise to the challenge of caregiving, but no one can help at all if you shut important people out of the process we all have to face when we age.

I'm not here to take over my parents' life: i'm here to support it as best I can. If never given the opportunity, you may never know, but apologies aren't needed. Not even pre-apologies.

Good ideas Muffincat!

Another good aspect to discuss on here..
My mother is 95 with memory loss [and dementia] something she never wanted. and so never really planned for
I dont encourage my children to go see her, as she [and my father] really had little to do with any of their grandchildren when able. and its NOT their granny really.
I have for my children's sake, paid for my funeral, finally organised the POA and ePOA and will in the very near future on the eve of my 70th, write up the care of all the little things I need to do to keep my body moving [ Ive a complex medical history] and that letter will go in to the lawyers so if the ePOA has to be triggered off he can hand that to my children. I will also have a letter to be given on my death. and that will contain the apologies for not being the best .
Yes I have pre apologised, and my Ma in her lucid moments is worried she is causing us problems . And I have told my daughter to ignore my protestations if I need to be shut away, then shut me away and please dont visit. I am not going to blackmail her to caring for me when she has no medical app in her gene [despite being the daughter of a Dr and nurse]
To me when I hear my peers saying they don't want to go into an institution for care, well that really isn't our right to choose. Making children 'suffer' isn't right.
That isn't saying if a daughter/son/ DIL wants to, then they, are the ones to decide if they can manage.
I dont want to live to 95 but not have been independent for the past 10yrs!! So organising for the worst scenario is important

From someone in the sandwich generation facing the demands of four elders, a job, and an elementary school child - do all you can NOT to make demands on your children. While i'm happy to pick up groceries - i cannot take off work for doctor appointments. I have a house to clean and laundry to do of my own - so if you cannot do yours - hire someone to come in. Ditto on the yard work. Better yet - face facts and downsize - get rid of 60 years of junk and move into a continuing care facility where you can add on the care you need. Don't expect your children to do it for you. Help us by getting wills, end of life directives, burial plans, POA, bank accounts etc in order. Respect our need for time for ourselves and our families and don't place huge demands on our time because you are bored. I'm sorry if this is negative, but i'm heading into the emotional quagmire known as holiday season and the same fights with four elders that we have E V E R Y single year. Plus their refusal to spend any money making their lives easier but expecting us to do anything and everything they no longer can or want to. Respect our wishes to have Christmas at home and we will drive the six hours to see you for a Christmas the weekend after.

I recall how my great aunts, great uncles, grandparents and great grandparents used to talk about getting older. All of them said about the same thing. They said, I hope that I don't have to go to a nursing home, but, if I do, I understand. I know the biggest worry, even back then was mental health. So often, they would say, I just hope that I can keep my good mind. (This was before much was known about dementia. Then it was called senile.) They were all fortunate, as none of them suffered with dementia. (Sadly, one cousin has though.)

Hi SondraO
Check this link out. It's an active one now on AgingCare. It might give you an idea of things you can proactively do to help yourself and your children when needed.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/information-gathering-as-a-caregiver-is-there-a-list-of-information-i-should-have-on-hand-for-my-fils-care-432846.htm

your question is one of consideration for your children. too bad our parents didn't know that they would live so long, so did not prepare.

perhaps it is not that we don't care for our aging parents as they did theirs? rather it may have to do with our [baby boomers'] parents being in decline. longer. thru meds; which keep many physical issues at bay, but cannot control the mental decline.

this is what so very many of us could never have predicted - we never observed our parents ever having dealt with this when their parents were aging - and we find we are suddenly faced with a longer term of caregiving our parents, who never had to experience it with theirs.

i keep my son apprised of the strange behaviors of my mom with dementia, so that he is not unaware of this concept - altho i do not want to burden him with it of course. we in our 60's will hopefully make preparations for our elder years so we do not burden our children.

It's nice that one of the children is helping, but, I would consider that taking care of two people, who have poor health, and one who has dementia, is really a huge deal. It's really not something that most people can grasp. Even for one person, it's an around the clock job. IT's not like just picking up some groceries or taking to a doctor appointment. It's a constant around the clock job. I don't have any desire or expectation that it's reasonable to expect my child or anyone else in my family to do this. There are other options. I'd explore what those options are with an Elder Law attorney to see what they are and how your resources match up. There are usually options for care with Medicaid or other state sponsored programs. And there are protections for the spouse of the disabled.

I was the "one" that helped my dad on a daily basis. I assured him that he was not a burden.

One day he said it bothered him that it all seemed to fall on my shoulders. I just reminded him that my sisters both worked and I was already home. It does make a difference.

Not every person is designed to be a caregiver - I certainly never knew that I was, although I often said that my mother raised me to be her caregiver when the time came. She was the first to pass and I cared for my dad another 7.5 years but it was more assisting than caregiving. Now I am full-time caregiver for my husband.

I was also going to say, don't apologize. However, do explain your needs and do try to get all your affairs in order.

73 & 75 aren't really "old" by today's standards. But if your health-needs make you dependent on another, then you do need to have everything as straight as possible.
Start with a listing of all medications and when they are taken - and why they are needed.

When I stepped in as assistant for my dad, I had to learn everything on my own - my mother had done so much of the work that Pop just didn't know much about his own self. He had been sicker than any of us realized, starting with his heart and ending with his knees. But during the first year we took care of everything and made him as healthy as possible. He was even able to go back to baking. (Master Pastry Chef.)

So much great advice given in the posts before mine...
Aside from my in laws buying burial plots years ago, they did NOTHING to prepare for the late years of their lives. 
My husband and I spent weeks and weeks going through their house that was filled (to the ceiling in some rooms) with hoarded crap. I could go on and on about this one element alone but that’s another post. 
After clearing out we were faced with a home that was in such disrepair it took us nearly six months to fix what was wrong. 
All of this in addition to appointments to get both parents back on track with the proper medications, and to set up occupational therapy. 
My husband also was able to take control of their legal matters but that too took time to set up. 
Using our experience as an example can help motivate you to do what you can do now to help your children out in the years to come so when you do need more assistance it will make it easier for them to step in and do just that, take care of you!

Cattivo, CTTN55! - I expect Piggie's brother's weren't so well qualified. Not being nurses, I mean, of course ;)

Piggie, since you became the full-time caregiver for your mother, what did your brothers do, since you say she guilted them, too?  

I totally agree with drawing up a family care agreement and at least compensate the one doing most of the care. It is easily done through an elder care lawyer. If a family member doesn't get it, Medicaid will. I also agree that your children aren't children anymore. I will be 60 soon and my mother is 85. They are grown adults with their own life, jobs, responsibilities, and family. The "guilt" that my Mom placed on my brothers and I to take care of her has left some deep emotional scars for us all. We love her, but we could never do enough. I retired from nursing after 37 years and went directly to being a full-time caregiver for my Mom. It almost destroyed me, my relationship and the mother/daughter bond that we had. She always "expected" me to take on that role without regard to my life. I made the decision to place her in a skilled nursing facility and though I wish it could be different am finally able to enjoy MY life. Please do not guilt your children into a bad situation. Again, agree with the person who said, plan as if you had no children? What would.you do then? Also, since you DO have children, thank them for what they ARE doing. It is important. One thank you goes a lot further than a statement like, I took care of you as a child so it is your turn to take care of me. Anyways, I could go on and on from experience, but I won't. God bless anyone out there who takes care of an elderly parent. It is truly a challenge.

Oh boy Whirled,, you nailed something that bothers me a lot. My in laws never wanted to do much with the grandkids.. even though they lived 10 minutes away. They never took them to the movies ("they only want to watch kids movies) They never took them on any trips ("there are 3 of them") They never did anything with them that was not about them .. no hobbies, no sports, nothing . My parents took my daughter Everywhere.. to movies my poor dad probably slept though, to beach vacays that involved more junk food and running around than they probably wanted.. but they loved it, and my daughter has great memories. My ILs wonder why none of the grandkids every visited,, and none of them have gone to the NH where MIL is now at.. and the 2 who live near them now never visit FIL.. Make those good memories now, and don't need to say your sorry.. show your love!

Quote: "Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children."

THIS!! Exactly. I do understand that Dad has good days and bad days, and he has dementia, but sometimes I wish he would take an interest in anything, or anyone, besides himself. It's kind of sad, because he used to be very social. I also remember my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, but when I called her to chat, the only thing she ever talked about was her arthritis and ailments. It got old quickly, and it's hard to hear only about that stuff.

That's my plan too, Jessiebelle. No kids here either.

I'm not too far behind you in age, Sondra, but I don't have any children. What I plan to do is move into a senior community I can afford, then hope I never need a nursing home. If I do, I'll apply for Medicaid after my money runs out. The good thing about this is I never have to depend too heavily on someone else and disrupt their life. It will also give me a chance to make friends with the people around me. I'd rather live like a Golden Girl than alone and isolated. This is the way that it is for more people now. If you own a home, then maybe you can sell it and use the money to build a new life for yourself. If you have a plan, then you don't need to apologize to your children.

An apology is less necessary than an acknowledgment of what is to come - and trying to reduce the impact on your family's lives.
Make sure you have the important financial and legal papers in place - update documents at least every five years. Power of Attorneys Financial and Durable, Advance Directives, Wills.
Make sure you have copies of a will in at least 2 places - preferably one with the executor and one in a safe deposit box or other offsite location. One flood at my house and I was grateful we had set up backup provisions.
If you have insurance policies, make sure to update the beneficiaries and keep a list of policies, numbers, and the phone numbers to call. My best friend's mother had a 50 year old policy that was fully paid up - only $1000 but it will cover my friend's mother's cremation if need be. And it might have caused problems with Medicaid application if unknown and undisclosed later.
If you have a DNR, make sure that you have multiple copies and it is EASILY found. My stepmother didn't have my father's handy when he coded in their living room, and the EMT's could easily have ignored her verbal advise. He was in stage 4 colon cancer, and he would NOT have wanted to be revived.
Caringbridge is great idea, but if you don't want it..Please, please, please make a list of your doctors, your medications, and your medical conditions being treated past and present. If your family has NO idea of your current requirements, they are making decisions in a vacuum if there is an issue. My husband and his brother had no idea that they had been exposed to hepatitis due to parent's having the disease until a routine blood test showed antibodies. Fortunately, neither son contracted the disease but HAVING NO CLUE? As blood donors both sons were exposing who knows how many others? With family history, you can narrow down diagnosis with odd diseases. My BIL's lymphoma was more quickly diagnosed when family history was known after being hidden for years.
And if you ask for help, volunteer to pay for gas if you can. Plane tickets. Hotel rooms. Arrange for housekeeping or meals on wheels if you can manage on your own to apply.

So many good statements in these answers! Even though my mom and I had a somewhat rancorous relationship, I knew early on that she was extremely organized with financial matters. She had been executor of family estates and she knew what needed to be done. Before she began suffering from dementia, she bought a funeral pre-planning contract (which didn’t turn out to be much, but at least she tried). She put my name on her checks. She saved absolutely every receipt from her daily expenses and wrote those expenses down in a journal. She cleaned house and when I had to do the final clean-out there (sadly) wasn’t much left. THIS was her apology to me for 3 years of nursing home care and advanced dementia where often the worst came out, aimed at me. Words are words, but actions do speak volumes.

jeannegibbs: "About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now."

Yes! Please acknowledge the one who helps with more than just a thank you!

No one knows what the future holds. Apologizing to your children in advance for the help they will eventually offer may turn out to be an inappropriate gesture. Families are tricky. Maybe there won't be any help from your children. And as you said, one child does more than the others. This child may get burned out. I guess what I'm saying is that you can't know that your kids will be there to take care of you and your husband.

If you would like to share with them how much you love them and you'd like to do this before you're unable to I suggest writing them each a letter. Not an email but a letter on paper. Tell the adult child who helps you the most where to find those letters or mail them off yourself but don't mention anything about them helping you and your husband as time goes on. Don't apologize to them in advance because you don't know that they will help you. If I had received a letter from my mom apologizing to me in advance for helping her as she aged I would have thought it was a manipulative ploy to play on my guilt and I wouldn't have liked or appreciated it.

Hold off on the apologies for now.

The best thing you can do is not to impose any unwanted help onto your children. Do what you can to get your affairs in order and accept any help your children are willing to give you and offer to compensate them for help and say thank you. You may have enjoyed caring for your parents, but your chldlren may not want or have the ability to take on the responsibility.

I could write a book in response to this question, but it's a question people rarely ask.

With respect to the two children who don't help as much, I would suggest asking them outright if they don't volunteer. Don't leave that job to the one helpful child, and don't put everything on that one just because they're easier to deal with. Reluctant helpers may respond a lot better to direct requests from their parents than pressure or guilt from the sibling. And the helpful child will bless you for it.

Apologizing - I'd love just once to hear my mother say "I'm sorry to put you in this position. I wish I had done things differently." Maybe not every day but at least once in a while. And yes, appreciation helps too. Lead with that, certainly.

I hear that you enjoyed caring for your parents when the time came, but in past generation, the time usually came and went fairly quickly. Not any more. Both you and your husband are rather young and might live another few decades. Your kids could get to be your age and have similar health conditions to what you have now and still be tending to you and Dad. You can imagine that could be a strain.

About needing help. Now is the time to downsize, if you haven't already. Move to the lowest-maintenance property you can find and afford, and the closest to services such as groceries and medical. Too many elderly need extensive help simply because they insist on living in homes they can't maintain, that are too far from the services they need, when they can no longer drive, mow the lawn, clean the house, or climb the stairs. Bite the bullet and do as much as you can to spare your kids unnecessary labor and aggravation.

Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children.