How do I get past doing it all (including wiping) without becoming disgusted and resentful?

You are past the point of hiring help. Mom needs assisted living with 24 hour care.

You’re “super energetic” because you’re mentally cracking. It sounds like a manic state. You will eventually crash. And it will be bad. Who will maintain mother when you no longer can?

I’d be disgusted and resentful too! It’s not a matter of you getting a better attitude. This situation is going to kill you. I’m not kidding in the least.

Your Mother had a stroke, is a falls risk & already suffered falls with head injuries. This is a serious list.

If you cannot be your Mother's caregiver, find others that can asap. For both your sakes.

No judgement but don't spend time venting - you need action.

Resentment is the messager, the push, act on it.

If your mother has memory issues from strokes, you can't expect her to understand what you're going thru or how exhausted you are. You invited her to live with you! If you are feeling this burned out and resentful at all you've given up after only 2 months, you have to make other arrangements for her care now bc you're not cut out for this. Not many people are and its always more than we bargained for.

She requires 24/7 care by an in home staff or in a managed care setting now. In home care is a lot more costly than managed care, so look over mom's finances to see what's more feasible.

I had my mom in AL for 4 years and then Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life. She had way too many issues for me to deal with myself, so AL was the best situation for both of us. I was able to do no hands on caregiving but manage her entire life for her and be her advocate instead. Which requires quite a lot anyway! Plus I visited her and brought her treats and clothing with matching costume jewelry etc.

Look out for yourself here too. There's lots of ways to provide care for your mom. At your own expense is not the only way.

Echoing the others - mom needs full-time care by professionals. In a facility, not your home. If you've never experienced this before, you have no idea how exhausting it is to have people coming in and out to care for a seriously ill person in your house. If you think that will give you and your husband a break, you are wrong! What you need is your home back, for your own sanity.

She'll continue to fall until she is bed- or wheelchair-bound. You'll be calling 911, dealing with personalities of caregivers (and what to do when they don't show up). On and on it goes until she dies or you lose your mind , whichever comes first. Take a look at some facilities and get her there soon! Good luck, I hope your search goes well.

Why do you believe it is the falls that have affected her memory?
Who told you that?
What is her diagnosis in terms of dementia and has she been assessed for same?
You say you are still working despite your Mom having no memory or poor memory; who watches your mom when you are not at home with her? Is she alone? Or is your husband there, and if he is how does he feel about this and does he have to do the duties you have described not wanting to do?
Do you understand the costs of hiring someone for Mom when you are not there?
I would not have advised your bringing your Mom to live with you. As you can well imagine, bad as this is now it will get a good deal worse. It is yours and your spouses decision to do this, but I think it is time to sit down now and have the hard talk about placement in facility for your Mom. I am hoping that you are already her POA because it may be too late to get this if you have not already; it must be done by a competent senior who understands what legal fiduciary duties she is conferring upon you.
I sure do wish you luck.

As an emergency option, if Mom has another fall, call EMS.
Or if Mom becomes worse in any other way, call her Doctor & ask about emergency treatment, evaluation & respite options.

Things to look for may be reduced swallowing, coughing on fluids, too drowsy, swollen puffy limbs.

Then get that POA Brother on the phone. Make it serious or 'official' with a video call & advice him "it's time". Time for a new plan. No blame, no plea for help - Just The Facts Ma'am. "Mom needs more help that we can give in our home".

Edit: I read you already have a an appt with a lawyer coming up? Good. Hire the right professionals to help with the money & placement as you need to (Mom's funds as this is for her care).

You are in WAY over your head and you know it. And things have to change sooner than later or you're the one who's going to crack.
What started out as perhaps a kind and caring gesture on your part has now turned into the stark reality of it all, and as you're finding out, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Caring for someone after having several strokes and now dementia is a lot for you and your husband. Your moms brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse, and you now have to do not only what is best for her but for you as well.
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for(from the stress). I know that you don't want that to be you, so you're going to have to make some changes soon.
Your mom really needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate.
And your POA brother really needs to step up and do his job. Unless he wants to have her move in with him, he will hopefully start the process of getting her placed in a good memory care facility.
It's hard I know. My late husband too had vascular dementia which is more than likely what your mom has(caused by strokes). The only up side is that it is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so our loved ones don't have to suffer as long as some of the other dementias.
I'm glad you're finding out early that you are not cut out to be a caregiver. Not everyone is and that is ok.
Best wishes in getting mom placed.

As my mom would say - you are burning the candle at both ends - and at some point that flame is going to run out of fuel - and stop burning.

You are exhausted. You and your husband are both engaged in her care it sounds like maybe I´m assuming but since you need to hire someone when you are both out at the same time it sounds like if you are gone, he is responsible for her care, so assuming he has also been pulled into caring for her as well. As a DIL helping to care for my FIL, that opens a whole other can of worms too. (SIL/BIL live with him, we are helping)

I´m exhausted just reading your post.

You need to give yourself permission to realize that taking care of someone doesn´t mean just hands on care. There is some scary statistic that talks about the % of caregivers that actually pre-decease the people they are caregiving for. Think about that. Generally much younger, much healthier people caring for people that they love - who are much older, and in much poorer health....who by all rights should live far shorter time than their caregivers just by the odds and sheer numbers. And this alarming % of the caregivers perish before their loved ones typically due to reasons that didn´t exist before they started caregiving. Now I´m sure some of that can be chalked up to things that would have happened either way. BUT the common denominator there is obvious. Stress, exhaustion, not taking the time to take care of themselves or having the time to take care of themselves, putting their own health on the back burner, ignoring warning signs of their own health.

There is a poster here recently who is currently dealing with cancer. They are in so deep with trying to help their parent that they were literally considering missing their own doctor´s appointments to see to their parent´s needs. These types of situations can and do occur all the time. Caregivers putting their parent´s needs ahead of their own. When it´s not necessary.

You say yourself that you are considering hiring someone to be there when you and your husband are not home at the same time. I think you realize that you are beyond that. Your mother needs more than that. The list of things that you are currently doing for her, in addition to working 2 jobs (not to mention the things that you have already given up to accommodate the additional needs) PLUS the fact that you have had to recruit your husband (and you don´t mention what he has given up or how involved he is) to help you take care of her. I know you love her. But this is already becoming a two person job. Now it´s a 3 person job. And a 3 person job where one person cannot sustain this pace much longer.

Run the worst case scenarios - what happens if she can´t help you get her out of bed? What happens if you get sick? What happens if your husband gets sick? What happens in an emergency situation in your home? (fire, tornado, other bad weather) What happens when your energy runs out?

It´s really time to consider other options. And I don´t say that lightly. I´m sitting right where you are right now with my FIL. So I know what that means when I say it. It is not simple or easy. And it is not likely what she wants. But is very like what she - and you - need. For her safety. And for your safety and sanity. We know what happens when we get too tired. Things start to go wrong. Accidents start to happen. You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. There is literally no reason for her not to be somewhere that has someone trained 24/7 to take care of her needs. Right now she is working with your schedule. What happens when she is awake all night and that 4:30 a.m. wake up call comes after night after night of her not sleeping?

I don´t always go right to needing placement - sometimes I think home is the best - God knows we have given it our all. But sometimes you give it your all - and then you have to realize that it´s time to give it something different.

Not to put the burden back on you but did you think this through before you let her move in with you?
the falls and hit to the head may have effected her memory as you say but the strokes also effect memory. Vascular Dementia is a more likely cause of the memory issues. If that is the case expect her memory to become worse and the strokes to continue.
Mom needs 24/7 care.
You can hire (mom pays for caregivers not you) caregivers to care for her when you are not there.
OR
You can look for Assisted Living facilities, probably better to look for Memory Care facilities though.

Thank you