My mom has lived with me since December. She had two strokes and multiple falls. The falls were results of her not listening and doing what she wanted to do anyway. The hits to the head were hard and has very much affected her memory. I am still working, but have to help her out of bed, wash her, dress her, change her pull ups, take her to PT, nails, hair, maintain her finances, selling her house, pills, food, etc. I get up at 4:30 AM to start with my dogs and go, go, go. She does not seem to understand that I am exhausted. Today and for a few days, I have had to clean her after she had a BM and have had to actually extract stool from her. I am meticulous and find myself constantly scrubbing her bathroom. I try not to make her feel bad, but I lose it and state that I can not do this alone anymore. I am considering hiring someone to be here when my husband and I are both out at the same time, but I will still have to clean all the time. I am supert energetic, but I feel like I am losing my mind. I have given up one of my three jobs and my guitar at this point. I refuse to give up my runs. Im not even sure what I am asking for. Just venting.
One thing to consider: Hire a professional geriatric case manager to help you assess the situation. That is what I would do.
It sure seems like it is imperative for you to get help, either at home or in a facility. IF you end up with your mother in a facility, be sure to visit regularly and frequently - most engage in "institutionalized neglect."
You are exhausted. You and your husband are both engaged in her care it sounds like maybe I´m assuming but since you need to hire someone when you are both out at the same time it sounds like if you are gone, he is responsible for her care, so assuming he has also been pulled into caring for her as well. As a DIL helping to care for my FIL, that opens a whole other can of worms too. (SIL/BIL live with him, we are helping)
I´m exhausted just reading your post.
You need to give yourself permission to realize that taking care of someone doesn´t mean just hands on care. There is some scary statistic that talks about the % of caregivers that actually pre-decease the people they are caregiving for. Think about that. Generally much younger, much healthier people caring for people that they love - who are much older, and in much poorer health....who by all rights should live far shorter time than their caregivers just by the odds and sheer numbers. And this alarming % of the caregivers perish before their loved ones typically due to reasons that didn´t exist before they started caregiving. Now I´m sure some of that can be chalked up to things that would have happened either way. BUT the common denominator there is obvious. Stress, exhaustion, not taking the time to take care of themselves or having the time to take care of themselves, putting their own health on the back burner, ignoring warning signs of their own health.
There is a poster here recently who is currently dealing with cancer. They are in so deep with trying to help their parent that they were literally considering missing their own doctor´s appointments to see to their parent´s needs. These types of situations can and do occur all the time. Caregivers putting their parent´s needs ahead of their own. When it´s not necessary.
You say yourself that you are considering hiring someone to be there when you and your husband are not home at the same time. I think you realize that you are beyond that. Your mother needs more than that. The list of things that you are currently doing for her, in addition to working 2 jobs (not to mention the things that you have already given up to accommodate the additional needs) PLUS the fact that you have had to recruit your husband (and you don´t mention what he has given up or how involved he is) to help you take care of her. I know you love her. But this is already becoming a two person job. Now it´s a 3 person job. And a 3 person job where one person cannot sustain this pace much longer.
Run the worst case scenarios - what happens if she can´t help you get her out of bed? What happens if you get sick? What happens if your husband gets sick? What happens in an emergency situation in your home? (fire, tornado, other bad weather) What happens when your energy runs out?
It´s really time to consider other options. And I don´t say that lightly. I´m sitting right where you are right now with my FIL. So I know what that means when I say it. It is not simple or easy. And it is not likely what she wants. But is very like what she - and you - need. For her safety. And for your safety and sanity. We know what happens when we get too tired. Things start to go wrong. Accidents start to happen. You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. There is literally no reason for her not to be somewhere that has someone trained 24/7 to take care of her needs. Right now she is working with your schedule. What happens when she is awake all night and that 4:30 a.m. wake up call comes after night after night of her not sleeping?
I don´t always go right to needing placement - sometimes I think home is the best - God knows we have given it our all. But sometimes you give it your all - and then you have to realize that it´s time to give it something different.
She'll continue to fall until she is bed- or wheelchair-bound. You'll be calling 911, dealing with personalities of caregivers (and what to do when they don't show up). On and on it goes until she dies or you lose your mind , whichever comes first. Take a look at some facilities and get her there soon! Good luck, I hope your search goes well.
What started out as perhaps a kind and caring gesture on your part has now turned into the stark reality of it all, and as you're finding out, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Caring for someone after having several strokes and now dementia is a lot for you and your husband. Your moms brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse, and you now have to do not only what is best for her but for you as well.
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for(from the stress). I know that you don't want that to be you, so you're going to have to make some changes soon.
Your mom really needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate.
And your POA brother really needs to step up and do his job. Unless he wants to have her move in with him, he will hopefully start the process of getting her placed in a good memory care facility.
It's hard I know. My late husband too had vascular dementia which is more than likely what your mom has(caused by strokes). The only up side is that it is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so our loved ones don't have to suffer as long as some of the other dementias.
I'm glad you're finding out early that you are not cut out to be a caregiver. Not everyone is and that is ok.
Best wishes in getting mom placed.
Or if Mom becomes worse in any other way, call her Doctor & ask about emergency treatment, evaluation & respite options.
Things to look for may be reduced swallowing, coughing on fluids, too drowsy, swollen puffy limbs.
Then get that POA Brother on the phone. Make it serious or 'official' with a video call & advice him "it's time". Time for a new plan. No blame, no plea for help - Just The Facts Ma'am. "Mom needs more help that we can give in our home".
Edit: I read you already have a an appt with a lawyer coming up? Good. Hire the right professionals to help with the money & placement as you need to (Mom's funds as this is for her care).
the falls and hit to the head may have effected her memory as you say but the strokes also effect memory. Vascular Dementia is a more likely cause of the memory issues. If that is the case expect her memory to become worse and the strokes to continue.
Mom needs 24/7 care.
You can hire (mom pays for caregivers not you) caregivers to care for her when you are not there.
OR
You can look for Assisted Living facilities, probably better to look for Memory Care facilities though.
did. she hid it well from my brother.
Who told you that?
What is her diagnosis in terms of dementia and has she been assessed for same?
You say you are still working despite your Mom having no memory or poor memory; who watches your mom when you are not at home with her? Is she alone? Or is your husband there, and if he is how does he feel about this and does he have to do the duties you have described not wanting to do?
Do you understand the costs of hiring someone for Mom when you are not there?
I would not have advised your bringing your Mom to live with you. As you can well imagine, bad as this is now it will get a good deal worse. It is yours and your spouses decision to do this, but I think it is time to sit down now and have the hard talk about placement in facility for your Mom. I am hoping that you are already her POA because it may be too late to get this if you have not already; it must be done by a competent senior who understands what legal fiduciary duties she is conferring upon you.
I sure do wish you luck.
My mom had Parkinson’s disease and fell often. Mom’s doctor ordered home health to work on mom’s balancing issues.
Is your mom still falling? Please do hire someone to look out for her when you and your husband aren’t home. Plus, you deserve to have a break for yourself.
You don’t say your mom’s age in your profile. Do you suspect that there is any cognitive decline? It can be difficult to recognize subtle changes. I missed the early signs of dementia with my mother. Many people aren’t aware of what is truly going on with their parents as they age.
Are you at the point where you feel that it may be time for you to start looking at facilities to place her? Most of us didn’t realize that we were biting off more than we could chew by doing the hands on care ourselves.
Best wishes to you and your family.
She requires 24/7 care by an in home staff or in a managed care setting now. In home care is a lot more costly than managed care, so look over mom's finances to see what's more feasible.
I had my mom in AL for 4 years and then Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life. She had way too many issues for me to deal with myself, so AL was the best situation for both of us. I was able to do no hands on caregiving but manage her entire life for her and be her advocate instead. Which requires quite a lot anyway! Plus I visited her and brought her treats and clothing with matching costume jewelry etc.
Look out for yourself here too. There's lots of ways to provide care for your mom. At your own expense is not the only way.
If you cannot be your Mother's caregiver, find others that can asap. For both your sakes.
No judgement but don't spend time venting - you need action.
Resentment is the messager, the push, act on it.
You’re “super energetic” because you’re mentally cracking. It sounds like a manic state. You will eventually crash. And it will be bad. Who will maintain mother when you no longer can?
I’d be disgusted and resentful too! It’s not a matter of you getting a better attitude. This situation is going to kill you. I’m not kidding in the least.