How to handle caregivers eating my mom's food?

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How to handle caregivers eating my mom's food?

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I took my mom to an Italian grocery/catering this past Wednesday afternoon. I bought her two 32oz containers of hearty soup, a 5lb baked ziti and two large crab cakes. I spent about $40. I was happy she would have this food for a good week, so I thought. I took her to dinner tonight and she told me everything I got for her at the Italian place was delicious. I took her home and opened her fridge and asked her where all the food was and she just shrugged. My mom usually eats a heavier lunch and light dinner. It’s in the caregivers contract not to eat her food, btw. I'm OK if they want to try a small taste, but they’re obviously chowing down. I know her caregivers are big eaters, too. I’m very put off by this. The monthly cost for their service is extremely high and now meals too? Also, my mom eats her dinner at 6 after they leave so the caregivers must’ve eaten everything at lunch in the last 2 days. She uses the caregivers from 8 till 5.

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Liver, anyone?

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Made me laugh, Chizzle!
Problem with that having unpalatable food, however, is that MOM won't like it either. OP went to a specialty store, and likely spent quite a bundle to stock her mom's fridge. Unfortunately the food was TOO good.

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Dkiely is correct. I don't see the problem here. This is a simple matter of informing the aids that they cannot eat the food. No one likes confrontation, but it is a normal part of life. There are cameras already to insure that the rules of the home are obeyed.

I agree with so many posters that it would be lovely if we could all afford to feed them, and would love to feed the whole world, myself, but given cost of care this just isnt' always possible.

Speak to them. Simply SPEAK to them.

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Just read ur latest response. Maybe just tell the aides that because of the cost of having them, Mom can't afford to feed them too. Moms money needs to last for her to remain in her home. They need to pack their own meals and snacks.

It wouldn't hurt though every once in a while providing them with a treat. A pizza, subs, ect. Just so they feel some appreciation.

My nephew has an aide once a week and he brings his own lunch.

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Just an idea.
Can you deduct meals from their wages?

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After reading all these comments about cameras, calling the police, deducting from wages, I realize how thankless and miserable being a caregiver is. These person do need the work that no family member wants or can do for whatever the reason, myself included.

Just tell them politely please don’t eat the food. Mom can’t afford it and be done with it.

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With your additional response that you have cameras in place that everyone knows about, your mom is obviously inviting them to eat with her, your mom has stated that she doesn't want to eat alone and your mom seems cognizant enough to know that her meal is going to be nicer than a packed meal the caregivers might bring for themselves.....I feel like the issue is much different than originally presented. It doesn't feel to me that the caregivers are "stealing" your moms food...they are just in an awkward position.

I don't think you're going to stop your mom from saying what she says to them. You will have to talk with the caregivers and let them know that your mom wants them to join her for lunch, but she can't afford to feed them. Let them know that many times you are the one buying your moms food out of pocket and you definitely can't afford to be feeding everyone. Tell them you would love them to join mom during lunch time, but they need to bring their own lunch and politely refuse when your mom offers to feed them. It seems petty, but it is a real expense and you're just trying to make your moms funds last as long as possible.

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We have cameras everywhere in my moms house. The caregivers are aware of this. I spoke with my mom about this food situation and she got very defensive of the caregivers! She said, do you expect me to eat alone? I said of course not, but they need to start bringing their own food like they use to. It has gotten to the point that the caregivers expect their meals to be provided now. They no longer bring their own food. My mom has also started to send them on restaurant runs and of course they order for themselves too. I told my mom she is already paying over 6k a month. I told her as your POA I’m the one writing the checks out of your acct so you are detached from the cost. Guarantee if she was writing the checks she’d feel differently.
Anyhoo she got angry with me about the whole subject so I dropped it. Afterwards I went online and ordered her one of those gourmet food delivery services for Mother’s Day. My mom actually copped an attitude about this gift. I told her the caregivers can still eat with you but they need to bring their own meals. She was like, “great, I’ll be eating filet with roasted asparagus and hollandaise sauce and my caregivers will be eating a can of sardines and stale crackers from the dollar store.” 😆
I’m telling the caregivers these meals are specifically for my mom per doctors orders so please do not eat any of them even if my mom insists!

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I like the idea of small individual portions in the freezer. Easy way to keep track of things and not a large amount of food in the fridge to tempt the caregivers into helping themselves.

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That's not going to solve the problem. You're basically backing down. the caregiver has to be talked to.

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I would install a camera to see what’s really going on. Don’t want to accuse an innocent person. If they are caught eating, then have a conversation with them. Good help is hard to come by especially if mom likes them. A gentle reminder or see if mom told them to help themselves. Food should be eaten in 3 days, so freeze individual portions to pull out the day before.

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You can ask them without accusing them.

Geez, everyone here seems to have a fear of confrontation.

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Twinkletoes5981, please BEFORE you confront the caregiver make sure that your mom isn’t the one eating the food or (as in our experience with my MIL) throwing it away without realizing that the food isn’t expired/spoiled. It would be horribly embarrassing for you (and your mom) if that were the case and not the caregiver eating the food. My MIL would throw away anything not nailed down, up to and including all of her underwear, bras, socks and even some of her diamond jewelry. She was a spicy little thing as she declined in her dementia LOL.

But, if it turns out to be the caregiver, definitely have a non-accusatory conversation with them to go over your rules, and contact their agency, if they have one.

We also invited the caregivers to help themselves to anything in the refrigerator or pantry, and showed them where everything was. But we also never had specialty foods for my MIL, as she was very picky about food as her dementia increased. But we also noticed that MIL would eat more if someone was at the table and eating with her. She seemed to “parrot” our eating and instead of moving food around on her plate, she would actually eat if she saw us doing the same.

Good luck with this!

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What you say is true. Also, mom may have invited them to eat some.

Next time, you might do small portions in plasticware. Freeze individual meals for her to heat and eat.

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I’m not sure where you live, but that was a great deal! Our crab cake prices have increased so dramatically that the tab would be much higher. This is one of my favorite foods and is certainly a delicacy.

Because you weren’t there, you can’t be sure what happened. Maybe your mom was encouraging her care provider to try a bite or two and nothing more. Or maybe your mom asked the care provider to sit down and eat with her.

Your contractual set up requires that your mom eats alone frequently (which certainly isn’t as enjoyable for most people). Maybe a meal is 5x as fun for your mom if she eats with someone (it would be for me). Do you have a contract with your mom that says she is not allowed to invite a caretaker to join her?

If your mom has any food issues she may have alternatively said that because she didn’t want you to be mad at her for eating everything so quickly. My coherent mother was treated to manicures over the course of her last years and she told every manicurist that this was her very first manicure because she felt guilt over the indulgence.

Crab cakes and fresh soup also freeze well but don’t last long. (I freeze or eat these same day only.). Is it possible that some had to be tossed because it expired and your mom was protecting your feelings or didn’t know?

if I was a care provider and the adult child showed up with two crab cakes for me to make for mom (and there were two of us) I might infer that it was meant for me (knowing the short shelf life of a crab cake).

Maybe you should rethink your contractual terms. Start by asking your mom whether she would prefer to eat with her care provider(s). If she is like me, she would rather eat peanut butter and saltines with someone than a steak dinner solo.

If this bothers you so much, save the special meals for the times when you can eat together. You don’t want care providers to pilfer food, but you want to be a kind and thoughtful person too (to your mom and your employees).

You make some reference that indicates the care providers are well fed. Even a slight inference could be very rude and/or painful if hinted to them. Whatever you do, DO NOT confront them or make comments like the one you wrote… this could hurt someone’s feelings and cloud your relationship.

The silver lining is your mom is happy and she is eating. Once my mom quit eating and I would have done anything (and I did) to get her to take a bite. Coaxing her to take a bite of this and a bite of that cost a whole lot more than $40

Your mom is enjoying life.

Be so thankful.

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Get meals on Wheels .

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@KNance72 - NO. you're dodging the problem. this has to be dealt with head on.

Plus, homecooked meals are better than Meals on Wheels. I know because my mom turned down the service because the food was not great.

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Funny reminded me of when I was still in school and worked Friday 8 hour evening and Sunday for 12 hour day every week caring for an elderly stroke victim . She had some mild dementia and could not be left alone. I was told to just eat the food there . In general it just needed to be warmed. The usual caregiver usually had made it. Turned out that I rarely liked anything she had made so I started bringing my own, even though actually I didn’t have much money to spare. Anyway — turned out the lady didn’t much like the food either and started wanting mine! She was so sweet that I would share when she asked ..and even prepared her favorites when I could, though now that I think of it I wonder if they thought I wasn’t feeding her ! Also , I was told her usual routine but sometimes would take her outside and walk slowly just a bit and sit on a bench in her yard. She was so happy to do that so I suspect that was only time she got outside other than getting in and out of car for appts. Only difficult thing was that she had speech issues so couldn’t always get through to me and I felt bad about that.

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Twinkletoes5981: Perhaps you'll have to set the record straight, e.g.'these are the foods that you can take a nibble from' and 'these are mom's, specifically.'

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all this talk about food is really making me hungry and I am trying to lose weight so dont want to pig out this late

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???? Not relevant ????

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First, verify that the caregivers are eating your mom’s food and then have a conversation with them. I’d also inform their agency. They should know better.

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I had a similar situation. I would put the foods in individual microwaveable containers with lids and label them with your Mothers name and write lunch-Tuesday, dinner-Tuesday, etc. I would only put in a few days of prepared meals at a time. There wasn’t any additional food for the help to eat. They can bring their own. I would buy individually wrapped candy and put some out for anyone to have. On occasion, I would get pizza for everyone. It can get very expensive if you have to feed the Aids. Remember, they are working to give to Mom, not to take from Mom. Set some boundaries and set up some cameras.

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1. Ask the aides directly if they are eating the food.
2. Install cameras as a possible way to find out.
3. If you are sure they are eating it, speak with the owner of the agency.

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^^^ this

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Hi! This is a difficult position to be in. First you need good care for your mother. Especially if you cannot see her every day. So, first you should have cameras set up in every room of the home. And I would not let them know they are there. It is your right to have secret cameras if you want. This way you can find out exactly who is eating what food and it may not be every caregiver, just one. Then you can address the situation. Second, I would have the cameras secret because there is a lot of abuse in this world and we never know if someone is going to be ugly to our loved ones. This would also give you a sense of relief if you see that everything is fine. (By the way, I wouldn't tell mom about the cameras either). We don't know what happened to the food but like someone else said, portion it out, label it and freeze it. You didn't say how big of an appetite she has but 32 oz of soup is like 4 cups/servings. If you have been satisfied with everything the caregiver(s) have done then I would not say anything yet until I get proof of what is going on. Just by going up to someone and saying this is a reminder not to eat my Mom's food can get them angry with you and they may quit because they are being accused unfairly or they could abuse your Mom to get back at you. Just get those cameras! Good Luck!

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Tell them plainly and firmly that they are NOT to eat the food purchased for your mother. The food is a "gift" for your mother not for them. They are welcome to bring their own food and store in the refrigerator and heat in the oven. But the meals are purchased by you and planned for the person they are caring for. Offer to buy the caregiver food, and of course it will all come out of their pay. Maybe clearly label the price on each product and if they eat it they know how much will be deducted. Like in a hotel mini-bar? They wouldn't take her medication, or try on her clothes so why eat her food. That's a bit like stealing. Plainly and firmly draw the line. Since they are hired by you I assume they can also be replaced by you?
Or perhaps you need to chat with your mother to see if she made any comments like, "Help yourself to anything in there." That's what my Mom would say. Have a talk with your Mom and the caregivers to see how all this "help yourself" attitude got started. It may be a simple case of poor communication.

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My first thought is why are you buying cooked food and expecting it to be o.k. for up to a week? Salmon cakes should be eaten within three days and no more than 5 days for Ziti, less if there is meat in it.

My second thought is that if there was so much food, your mom invited the caretaker to eat with her before it spoiled. That is different than the caretaker helping herself out to food.

Another possibility is that your mom thought it was so good, she had larger than expected portions. Why accuse? Discuss it with the caretaker.

But seriously think about food safety. If you are going to plan for a week, make sure some of it is frozen. If she has dementia, consider making meal preparation part of the services whether it is the caretaker heating up the food or preparing simple meals. My MIL even in the early stages of dementia would forget to put the leftovers back in the refrigerator or leave them in there so long food poisoning was a risk.

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You're missing the entire point. It's not about how long it takes food to spoil. It's about caregivers possibly stealing food without permission.

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I think start with a gentle talk: tell the caregivers that you wish you could order in a feast for them every single day, that you appreciate them, and they deserve it, but that the cost of care is already tough for you to handle. Ask them please not to help themselves to items marked with your Mom's name alone, but welcome to those that say "For All", and then as Lea says, do mark them.

The cameras I think are a good idea over all just to be able to look in for safety sake, and I would think that whether you have caregivers for mom or have caregivers for an infant.

You have really good advice below and I sure hope something works for you.

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We took a very different tack on this. My sisters and I brought Mom's favorite foods and stocked the fridge, with notes of instruction on how to warm and serve. We encouraged the caregivers to help themselves to the food. Mom ate so little that it just didn't make sense to warm such a small amount. We also thought that if the caregivers were sharing Mom's food they wouldn't need to be paying attention to making their own food as well. They were working 12 hour shifts and we thought that if Mom's food appealed to them we were happy to share with them. The caregivers didn't really eat very much. The food was also there for whatever family members and friends were there when lunch or dinner happened. Mom was always a generous hostess and would not have been comfortable eating in front of anyone without sharing.

It cost us very little and made everyone feel more friendly to each other. Glad we did it.

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I think this is so lovely. A wonderful approach. But I also recognize that over time it is really expensive with the cost of things today. The cost of help is already so onerous. I just wonder how many can afford to do it over the long haul.
How kind, though, and I would imagine so appreciated.

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If the caregiver is through an agency, talk to the agency administration.
8-5 is a long shift, but the caregiver should be bringing their own food.
Also your Mom may be inviting them to join her.

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Get some individual,divided containers for each days meal. Label them with the day and what meal is her lunch for that day. You can always hide the food in the fridge.

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Call the company and tell them about it.

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Why not talk to the caregiver first, could be a communication error, and calling the company or administrator without first talking to the caregiver seems like a slap in the face. If I trust someone to care for my mother I think I can trust them with the items in the pantry.

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If you secure a caretaker who will meal plan and prepare meals, you will see where the food goes. They can prepare the food if Mom likes cooking, too. They can enjoy meals together.......nothing fancy. You can take her out for fancy meals or bring some to go orders and share a good meal with Mom. Many friendships are forged over good meals.............what a great outcome that would be to know Mom is appreciated.

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Tell those caregivers to bring their Own Food! If they continue, replace them. It is very expensive to hire help.

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All that I have ever used are private caregivers. I have only had this food issue with one of them who is no longer with me. I never thought that I would have to tell a caregiver that our food is not their food.

This particular caregiver would make herself big meals, cooking up a storm while my mother didn't care to eat what she was cooking. My mother herself told me one day "It's not your responsibility to feed these people".

My daughter and I walked in the door one day and the caregiver had the entire kitchen upside down while she was grilling herself a big juicy hamburger - that she had taken from my freezer and thawed - with all the trimmings. My daughter was appalled and surprised that I was putting up with it.

My opinion is this. I have never had an employer provide my meals, and I am not required to provide a caregiver meals.

My current caregivers bring their own food if they feel like they need to eat.

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The idea of "treating the caregivers as family" can backfire when they expect to receive things or privileges that are not in the employment agreement.

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I've always handled food differently. I purchase quality unprepared food and have the caregiver, who's a really good cook, prepare it.

I want the person they are caring for to have fresh nutritious food.

I share food with the caregiver because I want them to feel like they are family and treat their patient likewise.

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