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I have a female health-aide who is married and 60. I am a 62-year-old male. I feel somewhat uncomfortable about her helping me bathe because I need a total left-hip replacement and it is hard for me to stand up in the shower to bathe, she has no problem with it, I just feel uncomfortable about it. What should I do, should I let her help me anyways or what?

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there are 'shower chairs'..you can buy on Amazon. I bought one for my grandfather, also a shower attachment that is removable..and a solid handle on the sides of shower/tub so he had help himself up & down to the chair. (I had a handyman install..only a few minutes & a few dollars. ) Now Grandfather can sit and shower himself. Thyme tea will ease the hip pain. And massage some thyme ointment into lower spine & hip area after showers. In addition 3 tumeric capsules before your meals 3 times daily..These will greatly reduce the hip problem if followed faithfully 6 days each week. rest 1 day...repeat.
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You are still young and probably not used to having someone assist you with something so personal.  I would probably feel the same way if I had a male helping me bathe or go to the bathroom.  The problem with your situation is that there are not very many male home health aides. 

Some of the other posters suggested getting a shower chair and I think that's a good idea.  You could also get one of those things that Velcro's around your waist and have that on as you are entering the shower and existing the shower so that your privates are covered when she is assisting you in and out.

Hopefully you can get that hip replacement soon so you can get back to taking care of yourself.  You've still got some good years ahead of you!

Take care.
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I suggest you get a shower chair instead of standing during your shower for safety.
If you are still uncomfortable with the caregiver dismiss her and get a replacement.
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I'm not sure if you mean you are physically uncomfortable standing, due to your hip, or if you are uncomfortable with the new experience of someone bathing you.
If you aren't comfortable standing there are already lots of suggestions about shower seats and benches that should help you feel more comfortable and secure.
If you feel odd having someone bathe you please let me assure you a professional aide does this all the time! They are used to helping strangers bathe and should be able to do it efficiently and protecting your privacy/modesty.
I had an experience a few years ago that drove this home to me. I work as a companion aide through an agency. I am not supposed to do any kind of hands-on personal care at all, and quite frankly, I don't want to! I am simply a companion.
One day my 90 year old dementia client had been in the bathroom a very long time, always saying he was ok when I called in to him. Finally I asked if I could enter and he said yes, but was ashamed because he had had a bowel accident. His own efforts at cleaning up only made things worse, and I had no choice but to step in and help.
My first thought was OMG! My second thought was OK, we gotta get this done. I put on gloves and did what I had to do, not thinking about how awful it was, no thought about seeing my client half naked or touching him while getting him clean. Purely business.
When I was all done and he was clean (as well as the bathroom) and in clean clothes it fully struck me what I had done. And I was more convinced than ever that I want to stay on the companion end of the work, not personal care, but if push came to shove I could get through it! And my calm professionalism helped him get through it too.
So, don't be uncomfortable! It's all in a days work for your aide.
Best of luck to you.
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BikerBob Dec 2020
I wouldn't want to do personal care either and appreciate those people who choose to do so but concerning the "professional aide does this all the time" aspect, yes they do but the fact that the aide is comfortable does not mean the patient is. Of course the staff is comfortable. They are fully dressed. Most people, male & female, are not comfortable with opposite gender care for things as personal as showering assistance, though most men will "man up" and suffer their embarrassment in silence.
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Haven't read thru these, but my own mother was embarrassed with me helping her bathe. So her aide did it. Everyone has a right to their own comfort level. I think my own husband would be the same way.
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I would request a male.
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Imho, you should request a male bath assistant.
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Maybe you would be more comfortable with a male aide. Talk to the agency she works for and request a male aide. It's totally understandable why you would be uncomfortable with a woman helping you shower in your home. It's different in a clinical setting like a hospital or nursing home. I've been a CNA for a long time and have helped more men and women shower than I can remember. If I needed such help, I certainly would request a woman to help me. It's not personal. Explain this to your aide's agency.
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BikerBob Dec 2020
Why would it be different in a clinical setting? Showering or bathing a person is just so personal.
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Your question reminds me of the first shower my father had after his stroke. He couldn't get over the fact this woman he had never seen before came into his room and whisked him off to a shower. It all happened so fast, he didn't have time to think about it. I think he was in awe of her. I was grateful. Good practice for later years when he had to have help to pee into a bottle in the hospital and needed help wiping after toileting in long term care. But he was always clean and grateful for the help. My mother used to say that after having a baby, she had no modesty left.
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As caregiver to my 59y/o hubby for the last almost 8 years, I would say the same thing his IHSS rep told my hubby and me.."You (the one receiving the care) are the boss!" And she made sure I heard her too. You are the boss of your aid. Whatever helps your dignity is what matters. You don't feel comfortable with her bathing you, say so, she'll understand. If you want a male to bathe you, say so. If you want to do it yourself, say so. If you want her/him outside while you bathe/shower, say so. The aid is your employee. Not the other way around. Have a happy day!
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Lots of reasonable responses here, but you are the EMPLOYER or paying for this one way or another. You are allowed to have your feelings and be uncomfortable AND to request another aide. Routine or not, having someone assist with a task we have learned to do privately on our own is demeaning in a way. Ask for another aide, a male if it makes you more comfortable, and ask for the person to be near by but not in the bathroom, if that will work for you. ALso think the ideas about grab bars, shower chair, or covering up one way or another are good. And not to be a bad influence....but my mother with dementia has not showered in over 3 years. We have tried every idea. But guess what? She's still alive and the world has not come to an end.
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Why can't you use a shower chair and a lot of grab bars. You should be able to do the shower yourself, and just have the aide outside the bathroom door which you can call or holler out when you need help with something. My best friend had a stroke and he can shower himself perfectly well with a shower chair and grab bars, and his condition is a lot worse than yours.
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Imo, you should let her help you anyway and. say absolutely nothing. None of this wearing an apron or changing aids to different sex.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
If a man or a woman is uncomfortable with someone of the opposite sex helping them with personal care in their home, then they should not have that. Care being done for a person in their house is different than when it's in a clinical setting like the hospital or nursing home. If someone is not comfortable in the home with their CNA, they need a new one.
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I don’t blame you as it’s a natural feeling. I had to care for my elderly father and he needed a great deal of assistance with everything including showers. I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled at first but we both came to accept it as something that had to be done. As his daughter I simply looked at him as the object of my care in the same way I do when I change my grandkids diapers. I think healthcare workers see so many bodies they loose their shyness about it quickly. It’s the object of their care and nothing more. If you understand how your helper looks at it, it may help you feel more comfortable. I think the suggestions about a privacy apron are a good idea too!
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Wear an apron. It works! Tell your aide you are uncomfortable and would prefer to wear an apron. You can wash well underneath it. You can use any apron - a fun one if you like humour, one with a duck on it say, or you can use a modesty apron which you can buy from bathing aids sites.
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I was a medical assistant and I worked in a family practice. If you need help take it, trust me when I tell you that to the aide it is just part of her job.

I used to have to give injections and I had so many men uncomfortable about showing their rear end. I told them I don’t look at your rear as a whole, just the one upper quadrant I am injecting. They always felt better the next time around.

you will become more comfortable over time. My Dad used to hate getting bathed. He is almost 94 and now his favorite aid is female. If anyone else has to bathe him he will say they don’t give a bath like his regular aid.

good luck with your future surgery
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
As a former MA in oncology and as xray tech and also did physical therapy for a chiropractor, you are so right. I have no qualms about helping someone who needs help. To me its just skin. Most people who have never worked in the medical field don’t understand that we dont look at a patient as a sexual being, but a human being who needs a littl help, bathing, injections, therapy or whatever. Hope you have a blessed holiday. Liz
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This must be a joke !!!!!get a male aide....
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tf110862 Dec 2020
Agreed!
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I would feel uncomfortable too.

You have two choices.

Dissues your feelings with her and she should be able to come up with something.

#1 You get a Male Aide to help you on the days you take a shower/bath.

#2. You wear your underwear in the shower/bath or have your privates covered with a towel at all times.

Just like getting a massage, you privates are never exposed.
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Even if modesty has no place in health care, sensitivity does. One time when I was in the hospital, two young nursing aides, male ands female, came in and said they were to bathe me, a 75 yr old, overwiehgt woman. I said no as I was going to be released that day and could bathe myself at home. The couple looked at each other and giggled.
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Countrymouse Dec 2020
I hope you made a formal complaint. Those two should have had their silly heads knocked together (metaphorically speaking, of course).
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go to www.bodywashaid.com for easy answer. U can clean yourself.
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If she is professional kind gentle & caring & you feel safe you are blessed. No need to feel strange CNAs do this often and see all kinds of males & females & its part of the job. No worries...give it time. Let her know you feel weird Im sure she will put you at ease start a conversation while bathing it will get your mind off the awkwardness you feel...
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DonnaF777 Dec 2020
HI.... I am female, 67 years old I have been a home health aide for almost 30 years. Also was an LPN. So....I used to feel "very uncomfortable" when it came to being nude even in front of other girls during school, in front of my mother, etc. Anyone. But.. over the years I realized.... everyone is really the same. Now... I don't purposely go around nude but, when the situation calls for it, I take my clothes off and in more than one way, "bare it".

You don't say that you cannot stand up in the shower... just that you need hip replacement and is hard for you to do?

Maybe some other things that will help you?
1. Could it be the age of the woman that is bathing you is the problem? You are too close in age? Well... get someone who is younger. You have every right to ask for someone else. Right now, I take care of a gentleman who is my age and he will NOT allow me to bathe him or "see his private parts". He lets the others younger than me do the bathing.
2. You could wear undies while bathing and when it comes time for your "privates" to be washed... people usually have a problem with the front but not the back so.... she stands towards the back and you wash the front while she washes your buttocks. Would this help?
3. Or... keep a towel over your privates. I have had men especially do this when they are uncomfortable. Even if you have to sit while cleaning your privates, you can wash the front yourself, right?
4. Another way.... while sitting on the toilet. Especially if you have a sink close by, get the water from the sink, fill a large, (plastic) glass with water and while sitting back on toilet, pour water down front. Wash front, rinse and dry. Sit towards front of toilet and do the same for the backside. You can wash the front with soapy water while she gloves and washes, rinses and dries your backside.

I hope this helps. Also... FYI....here is what many could use..... those pads that women use for their periods. Men should get some and try this..... take a pad and use one in the front to catch urine. Some men wrap a pad around their penis at night? This way, your "depends" for the most part will stay dry. Much easier to just change a pad than a depends and less expensive, too!!!!

God bless you all. Be safe

I have bathed hundreds of people over my 30 years and think nothing of it. Just a part of care... a part of life. The goal is to "GET YOU CLEAN AND FEELING GREAT!".
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Do you have a shower chair? You could sit on the shower chair with a washcloth draped over your lap. She can help you with washing as needed but you can wash your privates. Would that help?
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Yes let her help you. It may be rough at first and take some getting used to. You will probably become more comfortable with it as time goes by. Not sure how much assistance u need, she could primarily help u get in and out of tub and be present yet look away while u wash yourself? Also try shower puffs or sponges ☺️ instead of a wash rag if she actually washes you. It's alot less personal and you cover more area much faster. I have a tool with a long handle and puff on end that I use with my mom. I can wash her whole body with it in a few mins and she does her private areas on her own. Perhaps try that and cover your private areas with a rag while she assists with other areas.
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Just close your eyes and enjoy the bath time and all the uneasiness will soon come to pass, be thankful that some one has taken the time to help you........... relax relax relax
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Have you looked into getting a walk in tub where you can sit and enjoy either a shower, regular bath, or hydrotherapy. They are so wonderful! You might also give the aide's agency a call and ask what they suggest in those situations. I am sure it is a common concern.
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If the aide is a "professional" she will not object at all if you request a male for showering assistance. It is the rare woman indeed who would be comfortable with a male assisting them taking a shower and as such any woman who thinks you should just accept a female aide is applying a double standard. However, double standards is the norm within healthcare when it comes to male patient modesty & dignity vs female patient comfort and dignity. Do not be made to feel guilty. Female patients don't feel guilty asking for female staff for such things. Your comfort is just as valid and important as theirs.
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You might request a male shower aide. Usually there are male aides available.
If not, tell her you are uncomfortable. Sometimes just verbalizing this feeling helps. After a few showers, it should get better. If after a few, it doesn't, this person is the wrong shower aide.
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Hello

Anyone would be uncomfortable , I mean the last time someone bathed me I was a child .
You do however, need the help .
Possible solutions :

Wear loose boxer briefs or thin shorts in the shower to cover your modesty while you bathe your private area .
The waist must fit snug but the legs must be short ( upper thigh) and roomy so you can reach up and in . You can then have a towel tied around your waist at the end and drop the briefs in the shower to be laundered.

Simply tell her . A health aide is someone who has to develop a close relationship with you not only in proximity but emotionally so they look out for what's best in your case . Be honest , keep it light , and see what she says .

Invest in a bathing chair. You can sit comfortably in the shower and reach everything well. Get something to put the towel on right outside the shower so she can then come in and help you stand to exit .

Please remember, though this is an unusual experience for you, she presumably has dealt with this sort of thing before .
Don't be afraid to speak your mind . It's all about keeping you happy and safe while you wait for your surgery.
Best of luck to you and a speedy recovery.
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I have worked in the medical field most of my life. I really understand how this is uncomfortable for you. Let me tell you the perspective of your aide. Each person an aide works with is an individual and that is respected. But when it comes to the person’s body one is just like another. I was not an aide, I was in Occupational therapy and helped many, many people with their personal hygiene. We look at the person’s body to do the job but a body is just that and we have to care for it. If you like your aide please try to become more comfortable with her helping you. Aides are paid very little and every person on her case load helps her keep her bills to be paid. And by all means if at all possible get a shower bench and grab bars.
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DonnaF777 Dec 2020
absolutely love your advice. Aides are paid very little and if you ask for someone else, there goes her income. All these medical field people are or should be professional. This is what they do... and we... I am one of them, and we think nothing of it actually... the bathing and everything else that needs to be done to "make you feel clean and wonderful". You can talk to your aide about how to best get this done. She just may have some great ideas for you.... shower chair.... grab bars......she may not want to lose this job so "ask her" please ??? Now... if you don't care for this aide, you do need to ask for someone else otherwise, be open to her....ask her advice. She most likely can give you some great advice! The thing is... people think differently and we cannot read your minds. What some people like us to do, others do not so..... speak. Tell her. When my patients have done that to me, I am so relieved because then I know what is on their mind and they are telling me what their needs are. Again... we can't read your minds and what someone likes, someone else does not.
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Are you sure, CW? Remember, you weren't looking for one at the time. Of course I don't know but I think you might be surprised.
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