Mom and her best friend had a disagreement a few months ago and just the other day made ammends. She missed her terribly and I finally got my mom to get the courage and pick up the phone and call her. All went well..Mom was so happy..seemed they were both happily reunited..calling eachother talking it up a storm just like old times. All of a sudden, the best friend tells her last night on the phone that she's calling her too much and from now on to call her just once a day or she will call her. After they hung up Mom was very upset and said to me that she will not call her again. Also, the best friend did not call her today. They generally would start with a good morning call but today nothing. I'm worried about her.. she's been quiet all day and sleepy, picking at her food. I feel awful. 😪
My mother suffered from dementia for 6 years. The histrionics that went on between her and her friends at the AL were unbelievable. Someone was constantly angry and sniping at another, they played musical chairs in the dining room for who was fighting with whom, it was always a giant mess. When elders lose their filter, all hell breaks loose on a constant basis. My mother was always insulted at the slightest thing someone said to her, so I was always trying to talk her off one ledge or another. Unsuccessfully.
Bring mom a milkshake and I'll bet her appetite will come back in a hurry. Sorry you are witnessing the crazy making that happens when dementia sets in.
Why do you feel so responsible for your mother's happiness and her relationships with her friends? This is really becoming very enmeshed with her own affairs. Your mother's friend has let her know that more than one call per day is more than she wants. I would be the same. Honestly, I greatly dislike the phone.
If your mother is made unhappy by that, then that is just fine.
She is a grown lady who has had a long long life and I would bet that there have been plenty of times she was unhappy with friends in her long past. This feeling now is much like a weather system--it will pass.
Being a friend is being respectful of the feelings, needs and boundaries of one another.
This isn't a tragedy. This is just "life".
I would not question her, bring it up, or even speak of it.
If she asks you what you think tell her that you don't know how or what her friend feels, but it's apparent she doesn't like to talk on the phone for very long. No big deal. IMHO.
Why not take your mother to senior day care, she can meet new people and have an assortment to talk to? Seniors need to be with people their own age, isolating her in your/her home is not the answer.
Don't know why you feel awful, it is not your job to try and make her happy, you can't anyway. You cannot live vicariously through her. Not my rules, just how it works.
Live your life, not hers.
I agree with others that even once a day is way too much. You're going to now need to help her figure out other activities that she can do.
Second...your mom has dementia(per your profile), and probably shouldn't be calling anyone more than once a day anyway.
Third...the best friend is probably getting tired of having the same conversations over and over with someone with a broken brain, thus why wanting to limit calls to just once a day.
I have a lot of good friends, but none of them do I want to talk to every single day. Lord have mercy that would drive me crazy.
We all have good days and bad days and your mom is no exception. And with dementia in play there may actually be more bad days ahead, so you need to prepare yourself best you can for this long and difficult journey.
Wishing you and your mom the very best as you travel this road together.
If her short term memory is impaired, she may be over-calling her friend & need supervision & guidence to now use the phone. Eg Agree to call BF on Tuesdays (or whatever day suits both). Mom, you can call BF Tuesday, now lets... distract to something else.
I get your Mom feels sad. Change the topic, distract, look at old photos. Give her a hug.
You can help change Mom's reaction. To help her look forward to the next call rather than get upset over a totally reasonable request.
Do you think it was a reasonable request?
If I was the friend, I'd be arranging ONE day a week to call & blocking the rest of the week.
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