Mom and her best friend had a disagreement a few months ago and just the other day made ammends. She missed her terribly and I finally got my mom to get the courage and pick up the phone and call her. All went well..Mom was so happy..seemed they were both happily reunited..calling eachother talking it up a storm just like old times. All of a sudden, the best friend tells her last night on the phone that she's calling her too much and from now on to call her just once a day or she will call her. After they hung up Mom was very upset and said to me that she will not call her again. Also, the best friend did not call her today. They generally would start with a good morning call but today nothing. I'm worried about her.. she's been quiet all day and sleepy, picking at her food. I feel awful. 😪
Unfortunately, many people do not feel comfortable around those with dementia. It is sometimes unpredictable and scary and hard for family to accept let alone friends. As your mom changes, the friends will drop off and your moms world will continue to get smaller. This is one of many difficult times to come.
I struggled with this phase with my own mom. She is a very private person and I know she would not want friends, previous coworkers, neighbors, etc seeing her in this vulnerable position. Not having control over how she looked or what she said...so I focused on family for her socialization.
I think a quick phone call to your moms friend will give you some insight as to what has happened.
Just a few ideas. The idea is to tell a story that is about something other than personal rejection.
Hmm. Sounds like Mom was calling her friend way too much. Mom is either relying on her friend to occupy time, or is forgetting how often she calls. Maybe both? And she may not remember her "I'll never call her again" decision.
I have a friend whose mother was calling her friend several times a day, out of boredom and forgetting. They'd been friends for 60 years. Telling her to not call as often didn't register with her (dementia). The friend couldn't take it anymore and blocked her number.
You feel awful? Why? Of course it's hard when a loved one is hurt, even when you weren't the cause. But it doesn't help either of you to absorb her emotions. Nor should your mother depend on the friend’s ’good morning call’ for her happiness.
You mentioned how they were talking like the old times. Maybe that gave YOU a little hope? That maybe Mom isn't so far gone? That these chats with the friend will, for however long the call lasts, is the "old" Mom you know who is now declining?
maybe explain that other people also have life issues and sometimes need quiet time
mother needs more outlets
It sounds like your Mom is dependent upon this friend for her social activity. That isn't fair nor healthy for either of them. I can think of many, many reasons why I too wouldn't want multiple calls a day from the same person. If at first, everything appeared okay, it could be that your Mom started repeating herself and the events. It could have been that your Mom started being overly critical of others. It could be that your Mom was monopolizing her friend's time. The issue could be any number of reasons why a person would want to limit the conversation, regardless of age.
So, what to do instead....
1) activities at a senior center?
2) volunteer at a library or literacy center?
3) join a book club?
4) get a part time job?
5) volunteer at a church? Salvation Army? Goodwill?
6) take a class?
7) become a dog walker or volunteer at the humane society?
8) join a sewing group or club?
9) volunteer at a hospice?
10) volunteer with the sheriff's department or the police?
Your Mom is lonely. She needs to become an interesting person.
Her 'friend' is taking care of herself and setting boundaries which is healthy.
Give your mom space to 'feel' as she feels.
Encourage her to socialize with others.
You feel awful - or awfully sad for your mom feeling alone? hurt?
The best you can do is give your mom space to talk, offer reflective listening, i.e., "I hear that you feel xxx" - support your mom to process her feelings.
And, this 'best friend' may not be a best friend or it depends on what or how you define best friend. I am a firm believer in a person setting their limits and being honest, which it sounds to me like this 'best friend' is doing. She is stating what she wants (and can handle). It is up to your mom to learn to deal with feelings due to how others relate to her. I do not know why you feel 'awful' although I would encourage you to trust in the process - and that your mom will and can 'get over it' - if she cannot or doesn't, then perhaps she needs to get involved socially in other ways -
- meet new people
- go to church
- play bingo
- join a gardening group
Whatever it is that your mom wants to do to broaden her circle of companionship / friendships is something she needs to actively do.
Otherwise, she may continue to lean on this 'best friend' too much and the friend may cut back the communication more than once a day.
Turn your feeling awful to supporting your mom to broaden her circle in any way she can. So she won't be (so) dependent on this 'best friend.' And 'thank' the best friend (in your mind) for being honest and setting limits. One way or another, the friendship / relationship will (continue to) change. The more your mom can feel less dependent on this 'best friend,' the better for your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think a 1 time a day phone call is plenty.
Since your mom has dementia she may not realize how often she is calling. And if her friend still does things outside the house multiple calls a day can disrupt what she has going on.
Also do you listen in on the conversation? Is mom repeating things over and over or having the same conversation she had yesterday or earlier today? That can be trying on someone and you don't want to keep saying "you told me that earlier"
Does your mom understand time? Odd question I know but with dementia making 4, 5, 6 calls a day might seem like 1 phone call. Forgetting that she has already made a number of calls already.
If you can set up a time for the call and draw a clock face showing that time that might help mom.
The other thing that might be happening is mom's friend is pulling away. It is difficult to watch a friend decline. Mom's friend might be having a difficult time.
Maybe rather than always a phone call is it possible to set up a lunch 1 or 2 times a month and invite mom's friend over for a visit.
Why not take your mother to senior day care, she can meet new people and have an assortment to talk to? Seniors need to be with people their own age, isolating her in your/her home is not the answer.
Don't know why you feel awful, it is not your job to try and make her happy, you can't anyway. You cannot live vicariously through her. Not my rules, just how it works.
Live your life, not hers.
It goes with the territory . I would tell your Mom that her friend is busy and can only talk twice a week at best to catch up .
If this friend has been your mom's primary friend, it might be time to help your mom expand her friend circle to include more people. Encourage her to join classes and groups that are of interest to her.
If her short term memory is impaired, she may be over-calling her friend & need supervision & guidence to now use the phone. Eg Agree to call BF on Tuesdays (or whatever day suits both). Mom, you can call BF Tuesday, now lets... distract to something else.
I get your Mom feels sad. Change the topic, distract, look at old photos. Give her a hug.
You can help change Mom's reaction. To help her look forward to the next call rather than get upset over a totally reasonable request.
Do you think it was a reasonable request?
If I was the friend, I'd be arranging ONE day a week to call & blocking the rest of the week.
Another possibility is that M referred in some way to the dispute that they had before. That might have raised the same problems, and would be a real pity.
perhaps tell Mom that, be glad that she is willing to talk once a day, and then keep it at that.
In a way I commend her friend for setting this boundary.
I am still struggling to figure out how to deal with my dad calling me multiple times a day with unnecessary and repetitive phone calls!
I agree with others that even once a day is way too much. You're going to now need to help her figure out other activities that she can do.
My father is the ultimate victim.
Reminds me of when me terms where hurting, and there was nothing I could do.
But you just need to let your mom get though it her way
Why do you feel so responsible for your mother's happiness and her relationships with her friends? This is really becoming very enmeshed with her own affairs. Your mother's friend has let her know that more than one call per day is more than she wants. I would be the same. Honestly, I greatly dislike the phone.
If your mother is made unhappy by that, then that is just fine.
She is a grown lady who has had a long long life and I would bet that there have been plenty of times she was unhappy with friends in her long past. This feeling now is much like a weather system--it will pass.
Being a friend is being respectful of the feelings, needs and boundaries of one another.
This isn't a tragedy. This is just "life".
I would not question her, bring it up, or even speak of it.
If she asks you what you think tell her that you don't know how or what her friend feels, but it's apparent she doesn't like to talk on the phone for very long. No big deal. IMHO.
I wish your mom could get out to a senior center. She seems lonely.
You would meet other daughters there and both of you could get a little face time with others.
This is childish behavior that should be guided and not entertained, imo. You do not want her completely isolated with nobody but you.
Second...your mom has dementia(per your profile), and probably shouldn't be calling anyone more than once a day anyway.
Third...the best friend is probably getting tired of having the same conversations over and over with someone with a broken brain, thus why wanting to limit calls to just once a day.
I have a lot of good friends, but none of them do I want to talk to every single day. Lord have mercy that would drive me crazy.
We all have good days and bad days and your mom is no exception. And with dementia in play there may actually be more bad days ahead, so you need to prepare yourself best you can for this long and difficult journey.
Wishing you and your mom the very best as you travel this road together.
Talking to anyone multiple times per day gets tedious. I wouldn't like it! Encourage mom to find new friends. She might benefit from going to a senior citizens' center or adult day care. If she's not living in AL or IL, consider that she might want to find one. There are built-in opportunities for making friends there.
Mom shouldn't be depending on you and best friend for ALL her social needs.
My mother suffered from dementia for 6 years. The histrionics that went on between her and her friends at the AL were unbelievable. Someone was constantly angry and sniping at another, they played musical chairs in the dining room for who was fighting with whom, it was always a giant mess. When elders lose their filter, all hell breaks loose on a constant basis. My mother was always insulted at the slightest thing someone said to her, so I was always trying to talk her off one ledge or another. Unsuccessfully.
Bring mom a milkshake and I'll bet her appetite will come back in a hurry. Sorry you are witnessing the crazy making that happens when dementia sets in.