First off, I continue to be grateful for this forum. The advice and support here has been life saving. I appreciate you all.
I have been struggling with trying to support my mom from another state as she goes through a seemingly unending string of health issues. It is so hard for her because until a couple of years ago, she had never been hospitalized. Her husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia 5-6 years ago, and it has professed to the point where he is having problems with his kidneys, incontinence and mobility. He was sent home after a recent hospital stay and hospice will likely be called in soon.
Only in the last few months has my mom started to work with an elder care attorney in Order to get co-guardianship of her husband with his daughter. She has a relationship with a financial planner, but does not want to share the information with any of us.
The two of them have made no plans for their future.
Both felt that should something go wrong, they would just move in with one of the kids up but never had a real discussion with any of us about it.
My mother is a hard no on assisted living as she does not want to live with anyone but one of her kids, and she assures me that she cannot afford it. It may be true. I don’t know for sure because she refuses to let me in on legal or financial info.
I have a tremendous amount of guilt and shame because I know that moving her in with me would cause problems. I am bad with boundaries, and I would feel compelled to do everything she asked. This would likely cause issues between my husband and me. It saddens me that I cannot be the 24/7 caregiver that she wants, but I know what I am.
My great fear is that they will spend their savings on her husband’s end of life care and she will have nothing. Her husband’s daughter’s stance is that this is what savings are for, and she should take out as much money as needed to hire caregivers for her dad. I see hiring caregivers as a benefit for my mom as much as for her husband just so she can have a break, but I understand my mom’s worry about running out of money.
I feel like instead of seeing her as a mom, I am now seeing her as a person whose problems I need to solve. This hate this. I also feel resentful because they refused to put anything in place or even discuss it with us, even though they knew years ago this was coming. They both are very much of the “you guys can figure it out when something happens” mindset,
It crushes me to see her so sad. I don’t have the money to put her worries at ease, and I am admittedly selfish because I want to have my own life. I worry for what her life without him will be like. She has never lived alone, and understandably does not want to at this point in her life. I read so many stories of people enjoying AL or IL but I do not think she will even consider it. She just says “nobody wants me” and it breaks my heart. I can’t make her understand that just because I don’t want to live together it doesn’t mean I don’t love her.
Pretty much everyone on this forum has told me that moving a parent into your home is not advisable, but what do I do if she has nowhere else to go? How do I get her to do the important work of planning for her own future while she is coping with what little time she has left with her husband?
One hopes s/he will be able to advise mom on a good division of assets so that she won't be left impoverished.
In my view, if a parent's plan is that their children should care for them at end of life, then that is a conversation that needs to be had before the crisis.
(I am recalling my gma calling all her friends after she broke her hip. "I'm going to be an invalid and my daughters will wait on me!". She was excited.
Mom and aunt shut that down. That's where I learned to say "no". And that saying "no" to a parent in defense of your own life was a healthy thing to do.
If your nother has a financial advisor, she must have assets that are numerous enough to manage. Most financial advisors charge 1% a year to manage portfolios and most won't do that for portfolios under 500k. So there are funds there.
Don't let mom guilt you into doing something against YOUR own best interests.
How is your mom's condition? Is she still independent? And competent?
Glad to see that she's getting to an attorney. It's always tricky when a step-parent if failing. The step-siblings often want everything done financially with no regard to the spouse that will be eventually left behind with next to nothing. Happened to a good friend's in-laws. They had him divorce her since she was not coming back home and then they could protect his assets. She had her own money but her kids wanted her husband to pay for everything, therefore protecting their inheritance and pissing his away. Got pretty ugly.
Since you don't want her to move in with you, set a very firm boundary on not allowing it. Just tell her, sorry mom that will not work for me and hubby. Let's look at your options.
Can she live alone? She may not "want" to, but that might just have to be OK especially in the short term after her husband passes. She can move into senior housing where they have their own apartment but can see people in common areas. Assisted living, etc. Or hire an aide to give her company and some help around the house. You say she won't consider these things. But eventually she's going to have to. She'll adjust. It may take time and she may not be happy about the changes that are inevitably coming, but that's a sad part of life sometimes.
I think she's trying to manipulate you with "nobody wants me" statement. Don't let that hurt you. She's probably a little scared and desperate which is understandable.
So that was their Plan A. A non-existent non-starter. Time for Plan.B..
"My mother is a hard no on assisted living as she does not want to live with anyone but one of her kids".
Break this one down. Part a) a hard no on AL? Fine. Her life, choice. She looks at other options.
Part b) only wants to live with her kids. She can WANT this, but has no RIGHT to have it. If it is offered, fine. If not.. time for some honest talk.
Yes those conversations are awkward & even painful. But being able to be honest & real with family is key. Better to be upfront now, then manipulated & miserable. Resentment & damage to relationships lay that way.
I know some that have had their parent come stay with them in that raw new bereavement time. To be successful, there needs to be a clear discussion on the time limit. (One week is an idea). Then Mom goes home. Starts the adjustment to being a widow. Decides *for herself* (with support) her next living arrangment.
"whose problems I need to solve". Try to resist this. Angle yourself as support instead, not her fixer. If her fixer, it's an easy leap to make you responsible for anything going wrong - an easy target to blame.
I am seeing a mental health counselor to help work through things, but wow it just seems to get worse and worse.
She was scared and didn't know how to deal with it. She tried to guilt me into being her solution.
You know how some people say they are like oil and water? My mom and I are like oil and fire:-(. So there was no way possible that I would put myself within reaching distance of her flame.
She was/is angry at me, because I was her old age plan and she thought she could use FOG to manipulate me to her will. It was probably the saddest thing I have had to deal with, telling her no and sticking to it. She rejects every other solution. She thinks if she is miserable enough I will cave in. SMH, it is never going to happen and she is missing out because of her choices.
I really recommend telling her straight out that she needs to protect half the assets for her future, because your home isn't and never will be an option, period. Then prepare for the tempest of FOG, it will come and you will be able to deal with it.
I have told my mom a thousand times, I love you, I'm just not the solution, sorry. Then I offer the actual solutions. She doesn't want them, her choice, it doesn't mean I change my boundaries.
As hard as this is, you must stick to your decision and not let her guilt you into taking responsibility for her. Have the information available for actual solutions, like paratransit application ready, meals on wheels, home health information, senior centers, senior housing, assisted living and anything else you think might be used as a manipulation.
I have to say, one of my pet peeves is that senior parents think they are still the authority and will tell us what we'll do. Uhm, no! And they have the nerve to call us selfish. Hah!
Stay strong!
Yes, it's sad that mom's husband is dying. It's also sad that she's decided YOU are her default future w/o clearing it with YOU first. It's also sad she hasn't planned for her old age and finds herself in this position to begin with. But this is what old age looks like for ALL of us; declining health, the death of a partner, plans that need to be made whether we like it or not, acceptance of the fact that IL or AL is likely a NECESSITY, period, making funeral arrangements, and so on. Life on life's terms vs. life on OUR terms which isn't always possible. Acceptance of what is vs. what we'd like it to be.
Once you firmly decide that mother WILL NOT be living with you PERIOD, then other options begin to make sense. But not until you make that decision. Until that happens, you will listen to mother's manipulations about 'nobody wanting her' and all that. You are entitled to have your own life AND mother is entitled to have HER own life, it's that simple.
She's shut you out of her finances, so until such time as she lets you into her secret world, there's not much you CAN do! Just let her know that living with you is NOT an option. Love ya ma, but living together won't work for me. I'm happy to help you figure out other options, however, so just let me know when YOU are ready to discuss your finances so we can come up with a plan. Stick to your guns; this forces HER to think about life down the road after her DH passes away and what comes next.
I know how hard all this is, but please don't put yourself in the position of being at fault! Or being the bad guy or your mother's savior. You can help her, certainly, but not until she's ready to ACCEPT your help and guidance, which includes acknowledgement that she will not be living with you.
Wishing you the very best of luck sorting out this whole situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.
Such good advice in the previous posts! You do not want this -- do NOT let her guilt you into it. Do not feel guilty about not wanting your mother to move in! SO MANY people end up regretting it.
Make sure she understands that she cannot live with you.
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