Mom’s husband is terminal and they have not planned for any of it. What do I do if she has nowhere else to go?

What would happen to your mom if you died in an automobile accident tonight? She would figure something out. You are not obligated to take care of her. Don't get involved in helping her unless she is an open book about her finances. Have you ever seen this sign in an office? "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". Take it to heart.

Treecrout: When my father died forty four years before my late mother, although certainly a sad time, it was almost turned into a blessing of sorts as it forced my mother to not only pay off three quarters of a mortgage loan, but to achieve success with a better paying job, to run a household with a sixteen year old and a twenty year old solo and a lot more. At the time in 1967, my mother's wage was an unbelievable 88 cents per hour.
Many elders lack the planning skills as they age. This does not mean you should foot the bill financially for your mother.

First of all, I preached for years that people must be responsible for themselves - and if they don't do this, it is not your problem. What they sow is what they reap. Get that into your head. You can try all you want but it won't work. Whatever happens, DO NOT ALLOW THEM INTO YOUR HOMES AS YOUR LIVES WILL BE DESTROYED AS YOU KNOW IT. Seek the services of an eldercare attorney and contact Adult Protective Services. If they don't cooperate, walk away and let the professionals step in and assign someone. This is possible - so get going and never feel guilt or sorrow for people who refuse to cooperate and help themselves and especially those with dementia. Save yourself first.

As parents, our goal is generally to raise our kids to be healthy, independent, self-sufficient adults. In old days, if parents aged to the point they couldn't care for themselves their kids would have to help, but in this day, there are so many options besides "the kids". It's okay, then, for you to look at your current situation and recognize that moving in with you would not be a good option for Mom, no matter what the reason is. You are exercising your healthy, independent, self-sufficient adult self to say "let's look at other options"!

I've found that a good way to resolve complex issues is not to make declarations, but to ask questions. Sit down with Mom and say something like, "so your plan is to come live with one of the kids if you can't live on your own. How do you think that would go?" "Which of us do you see yourself living with?" "What if living with ______ were not an option?" "Why don't you like the idea of assisted living?" Get her to work through the details of her plan. Not only might this help her to see that it is unworkable, but it might help you to see other options that would be acceptable. Assuming her go-to would be "I plan to move in with you and your husband", you have an opportunity to tell her that is not an option and to give her reasons if you choose to. You say you are bad with boundaries. This is a chance to address that weakness in yourself proactively. Much easier to head it off and set this boundary now than having to set boundaries incessantly once she's under your roof. I have this same weakness and I am so thankful for my husband, who reminded me of this every time I started to weaken and consider allowing my mom to move into a house on our property (we recently built a two room cabin for ourselves, so living under our roof was clearly not an option). He could see the future and imagined me traipsing up to her house every time she needed a glass of water - or whatever. In fact, if it helps you harden your resolve, try visualizing what your life would be like in vivid detail if you found yourself needing to meet her every need.

As to the finances, it sounds to me like the step-daughter is calling the shots. Your mom has told her she will move in with one of her kids, so SD doesn't see the need to plan for her care after he passes away (and understandably - she thinks it's handled). Perhaps you need to also have a conversation with the SD and let her know your mom does not have a place to go. Ask her or your mom for the name of the attorney and financial planner and let them know you only want to make sure those professionals are aware that your mom's future arrangements aren't as cut and dried as she believes. I find it difficult to believe the attorney especially doesn't see red flags in the whole family situation.

Finally, you know your heart. You know you love your mother. She knows it too, even if she isn't feeling it right now. As much as anything, she is probably feeling her lack of planning closing in on her. You have to keep your eye on the big picture and recognize that giving in to her now will leave lasting effects on you well into your future. Do everything you can to spend time with your mom, even if it is only on the phone, so that she (and you) can know you've given her the best of yourself that you can.

Have you made plans for your own future? Being in the situation of having to care for my mom (in assisted living) and my mother-in-law (still in her own home) has made Hubs and I realize that the greatest gift we can ever give our kids is to take that burden from their shoulders. I'm deeply grateful to my stepdad, who was wise enough to plan for his and my mother's care twenty years before it was needed.

When push came to shove with my mother, the only recourse she had in mind was to move close to me and my husband. She bought a house a few doors down from us. She was 85 yrs old and in fairly good health except that she was almost blind from macular degeneration. She couldn’t be independent anymore. I became her chief caretaker for 10 yrs. She relied on me for everything and needless to say, the rug got pulled out from my life and also my husband’s life. She was demanding of us and insisted we take her everywhere. Finally, 5 yrs into this, I was diagnosed with a blood cancer and I know it was from the stress of having to turn my whole life over to my mother. I allowed it, so I can’t put all the blame on her. She too refused AL - which would have been great for her. When she wasn’t with us, she was by herself in her new home, and my mother still had social skills. She would have made friends in AL and it would have been the best way for her to live. I see all this in hindsight, so I am passing this on to you. Your mom may not realize that she will be better off with friends her own age. It may take time for her to settle in to AL or IL, but she will acclimate. Don’t give up your life because they dragged their feet. My mother caught me at a bad time to force the issue on me. I had just lost my sister to cancer and my dad had to go into a NH. So life was a whirlwind. My mother panicked and pushed herself on me. My parents never thought they would see this day and never planned for it. So I became the “fall person”. She passed after 10 yrs. I still resent her for it all, as she never appreciated everything we did for her. She expected it. Please don’t fall for the fragile persona your mother will try to hand you when it’s crunch time. Be prepared and be steadfast in your decisions. It’s the only way. And this way you can continue to be a daughter and not a slave.

No no no no no. You can keep your information private, or you can ask someone to join their lot with yours. Not both. Your mother appears to be expecting you to buy a pig in a poke, and that is an unreasonable expectation.

However, this is also not the right time to be having the discussion. As you say, she has very little time left with her husband, she's been through 6 years of increasing stress, and I dare say her world view is pretty bleak right now. You are not going to accomplish much in the way of considered decision-making in that short time and you'd do better to focus on supporting her through this specific ordeal. What happens next is a very big question but it isn't going to be solved overnight, and besides it can't be solved without reliable information which you do not have and she is currently in no fit state to provide.

If she raises the issue stick to reassuring generalities of the "all will be well" type, because it will. Or at least as well as it can be for anyone who has lost a partner and has always depended emotionally on having one. She won't be turned out of the house and left to starve, she won't be without family and friends, and she won't be (presumably) actually destitute. Just don't let her over your threshold.

Look. At the moment she is at a very low ebb and very afraid of being alone. Who can blame her? But you can't be her other half, and besides you have a nice husband of your own so that space is unavailable.

Combined with her fear of loneliness she may *also* have financial fears. Quite possible. But it is unfair and unreasonable for her to flag this up as a reason for depending on your help, and at the same time exclude you from the information you need to support her with sensible decisions. As for the ripping through their savings point: whose money is it, actually? And how well do you get on with the co-guardian daughter?

Please don't let your fears over the unknown cause you to worry needlessly. Going by the facts you've given us, your Mom is working with an elder care attorney and a financial planner - so she is getting expert advice. You have to put some faith in that. If her husband is in hospice care, much of it is paid through Medicare; any additional care that helps your Mom is worth the money it will cost.
It may be well worth it to go visit your Mom for a few days, invite the daughter over, and assess the real situation there. Perhaps you can plant a few seeds about helping mom help you by sharing some of her financial plans.
Please don't hold it against your Mom to want to spend her last years with her children, it's a natural thing for a mother to want. Right now, stop worrying and continue to give your Mom the emotional support she is craving right now. Who know's what the future will bring? It's obvious you are a loving, caring daughter, but there is absolutely no value in worrying about things that may or may not come to pass. Use this time to find more creative ways to plan for the future if and when Mom wants to join you. Knowledge is power. Check out all the senior care options nearby you, and brainstorm with your siblings now, so you at least are armed with solutions "when the time comes". Keep us posted on your journey,

Interesting information about not sharing financial information with you and I can only think its for one reason. She may have some financial capability that she wants to keep a secret and possibly doesn't trust you to leave it alone. She doesn't have to move to AL if she is still getting around well. There should be senior living or a housing authority in her location or yours. If she can drive they will have parking spaces. There is no assistance, its just housing and usually very clean but spartan. Its what my Mom moved to for about 13 years after she sold her house. But I can tell you my Mom had a little money and agreed to put my name on her account. We set up a joint savings account and I included any earnings on my tax return. As the years went by and she got older, she must have been a little concerned about her money. She would call me from time to time and say she only had a thousand or so in her account. Why did I transfer it out? It was to limit any possibilities of scams since I lived 3 hours away. At the time I had three siblings and when she passed, I divided her accounts four ways. But, I just would not allow her to move in if you are still working and/or active. She will eventually if not from day one become so dependent on you that you will find it hard to leave the house without her. If a sibling makes the mistake then so be it. But its not true that she has nowhere to go. Start checking today on senior living housing or even public housing based on her income. I live in a rural area, largest town is about 7k in either direction of twenty miles and both have very nice townhouse looking housing. Even the housing I lived in while raising a family and going to college for four years was simple but clean. Tile floors but I bought room area rubber backed carpet for the living room and bedrooms. It was 50 bucks a month based on my part time income. There is always somewhere for people to live. But there may be a waiting list in places so get started now. Get your Mom on a list even if she never goes.

Treecrout, my mom was put in the situation of living alone for the 1st time in her life at 74 years old.

She was scared and didn't know how to deal with it. She tried to guilt me into being her solution.

You know how some people say they are like oil and water? My mom and I are like oil and fire:-(. So there was no way possible that I would put myself within reaching distance of her flame.

She was/is angry at me, because I was her old age plan and she thought she could use FOG to manipulate me to her will. It was probably the saddest thing I have had to deal with, telling her no and sticking to it. She rejects every other solution. She thinks if she is miserable enough I will cave in. SMH, it is never going to happen and she is missing out because of her choices.

I really recommend telling her straight out that she needs to protect half the assets for her future, because your home isn't and never will be an option, period. Then prepare for the tempest of FOG, it will come and you will be able to deal with it.

I have told my mom a thousand times, I love you, I'm just not the solution, sorry. Then I offer the actual solutions. She doesn't want them, her choice, it doesn't mean I change my boundaries.

As hard as this is, you must stick to your decision and not let her guilt you into taking responsibility for her. Have the information available for actual solutions, like paratransit application ready, meals on wheels, home health information, senior centers, senior housing, assisted living and anything else you think might be used as a manipulation.

I have to say, one of my pet peeves is that senior parents think they are still the authority and will tell us what we'll do. Uhm, no! And they have the nerve to call us selfish. Hah!

Stay strong!

Who has power of attorney ? Did someone see a elder attorney ? Why can’t she stay in her own home ? These are questions to ask your Mother - try and have a discussion with her about her future plans once her husband passes .

Can you talk to the elder care lawyer? I would want their name. I don't trust the duel guardianship. Sounds Like the daughter might try to use all the money for her dad, and your mom gets whatever is left over, if any. If that is nothing too bad. I'd want in on it. The secrecy is a dead giveaway. Waring bells are going off in my head. I'd be afraid your mom might be guilted into doing whatever DIL says. She might think it is all her father's, and mom can go live for free at her daughter's home.
I'd definitely have a talk with your mom and say that is not an option. Neither is the secrecy. You should have planned better. And I can't help you I'd you are going to be secretive about things.
Your daughter in law isn't going to take you in, or have your best interests at heart.
I would say this option was never asked, it was decided without your input. Your not destroying your marriage over it and a secretive mom. And once the DIL gets her hands in the finances you can't stop her. Your going to have to start standing up for yourself. Get your brothers in on it too.
Do you want to pay for everything for your mom bc her DIL talked her into signing everything over?

I skimmed your previous posts. You have an older and a younger brother. In one thread, you stated that YOU were expected to be her eventual caregiver. She must be planning to live with you someday. Not your brothers, but you. (As an aside, it is so often the daughter rather than the son that is the receiving end of these expectations, yes? As an only daughter with three brothers, I can relate!)

Such good advice in the previous posts! You do not want this -- do NOT let her guilt you into it. Do not feel guilty about not wanting your mother to move in! SO MANY people end up regretting it.

Seems like Mom may have more resources - and plans - than she's letting on. If she's a homeowner, one can always hope her financial planner and attorney will recommend a continuing care community.

If she still refuses to discuss final arrangements with you, say something like 'In all fairness, my hands are tied because I don't know your circumstances. But I'm sure glad you have a financial planner and attorney to work with.' Then change the subject.

If you don't get out of the 'guilt' mode, and calling yourself 'selfish' and saying that it 'breaks your heart' not to take your mother in, and all the rest of it, then you WILL take her in b/c you've told yourself you're a Horrible Person If You Don't. Your own self-talk will destroy you, forcing you to ruin your life and likely HER life in the process. My mother took her mother into our home and in doing so, ruined everyone's life; her life, mine, grandma's and my father's. Nobody was happy but hey, mom did The Right Thing except the 'right thing' was the wrong thing!

Yes, it's sad that mom's husband is dying. It's also sad that she's decided YOU are her default future w/o clearing it with YOU first. It's also sad she hasn't planned for her old age and finds herself in this position to begin with. But this is what old age looks like for ALL of us; declining health, the death of a partner, plans that need to be made whether we like it or not, acceptance of the fact that IL or AL is likely a NECESSITY, period, making funeral arrangements, and so on. Life on life's terms vs. life on OUR terms which isn't always possible. Acceptance of what is vs. what we'd like it to be.

Once you firmly decide that mother WILL NOT be living with you PERIOD, then other options begin to make sense. But not until you make that decision. Until that happens, you will listen to mother's manipulations about 'nobody wanting her' and all that. You are entitled to have your own life AND mother is entitled to have HER own life, it's that simple.

She's shut you out of her finances, so until such time as she lets you into her secret world, there's not much you CAN do! Just let her know that living with you is NOT an option. Love ya ma, but living together won't work for me. I'm happy to help you figure out other options, however, so just let me know when YOU are ready to discuss your finances so we can come up with a plan. Stick to your guns; this forces HER to think about life down the road after her DH passes away and what comes next.

I know how hard all this is, but please don't put yourself in the position of being at fault! Or being the bad guy or your mother's savior. You can help her, certainly, but not until she's ready to ACCEPT your help and guidance, which includes acknowledgement that she will not be living with you.

Wishing you the very best of luck sorting out this whole situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.

The sad part, from my viewpoint, is that mom seems to be now at the mercy of her step daughter and plans that will be made for his care with the money. I also question that step daughter has a relationship with the 'financial' planner. That would seem to be a conflict of interest. Actually, you need to take mom to an elder attorney to get current financial balances documented somewhere and perhaps come up with the plan both mom and stepdad need for future NH or other in home care. ( I see financial planning as something you do when you're working to plan for future such as during career or before retiring - not when you are in a critical medical crisis. That's where elder atty comes in to protect assets for the spouse needing medical and the spouse who doesn't have medical issues yet that would require home/facility care).

It's time to talk w/step daughter to find out if the plan will include protecting assets for your mom or if the plan is to just use up all available funds to take care of dad now and leave mom without similar consideration. If no one in your mom's family willing to step into the planning sessions, I'm afraid the money will be gone when mom needs help/facility care. At that point, mom is going to end up wherever she can afford to end up.

If none of her kids take her in, they may have to help her pay for in home care until she reaches a level of being unsafe to live alone. Once she reaches that level, she will either qualify for Medicaid because her income is low enough - or - she's going to be over the limit and be self pay. Keep in mind that self pay might cost her more than her income. At that point, you reach out to elder attorney to see if a trust can be set up or her kids will have to come up with the difference.

Her kids need to know what this step daughter is coming up with as a financial plan. If mom's interests are not really being considered, you need an elder atty to help mom.

Seems like you need to have a discussion with your sibling(s) about what kind of support each can provide for mom and her husband if they can no longer live alone - which is fast approaching. If nobody is willing to let them - or mom - live in "with a child", then mom needs to be informed soon about this. She also needs to be aware of the kinds of care that each child is able to provide. While she is still mentally capable, it is her responsibility to manage her life and her husband's care.

Seems like mom should have at least an advanced directive for herself - which outlines care she does and does not want to receive. She should also decide if she wants to be a "do not resuscitate" if she needs CPR. It would be helpful to have a discussion with her about powers of attorney for finances and medical decisions if she can not make decisions for herself. Those should only name people she absolutely trusts with her finances and her health care. It may be that she doesn't trust any of her children - yet - with those decisions. So build talk to all your siblings about building those trusting relationships now.

"they would just move in with one of the kids up but never had a real discussion".

So that was their Plan A. A non-existent non-starter. Time for Plan.B..

"My mother is a hard no on assisted living as she does not want to live with anyone but one of her kids".

Break this one down. Part a) a hard no on AL? Fine. Her life, choice. She looks at other options.

Part b) only wants to live with her kids. She can WANT this, but has no RIGHT to have it. If it is offered, fine. If not.. time for some honest talk.

Yes those conversations are awkward & even painful. But being able to be honest & real with family is key. Better to be upfront now, then manipulated & miserable. Resentment & damage to relationships lay that way.

I know some that have had their parent come stay with them in that raw new bereavement time. To be successful, there needs to be a clear discussion on the time limit. (One week is an idea). Then Mom goes home. Starts the adjustment to being a widow. Decides *for herself* (with support) her next living arrangment.

"whose problems I need to solve". Try to resist this. Angle yourself as support instead, not her fixer. If her fixer, it's an easy leap to make you responsible for anything going wrong - an easy target to blame.

You cannot have her live with you for all the reason's you mentioned. She will take over your life because you do not know how to set boundries. Because she thinks one of her kids can take her in does not mean it needs to happen. I think older people, I am 72 and I mean older than me, tend to forget what it is like to have a job, a home and children. You are lucky u have time for yourself let alone caring for another person with needs.

Make sure she understands that she cannot live with you.

Please understand that when people get older, decisions are extremely difficult to make -- even scary. Her whole world is crashing down. Your mom needs help making the decisions, help at the attorney's office, and most of all, firm boundaries. You can do that with her, and that way you'll be on top of what's being decided.

Reassure her that she won't be abandoned, her children love her, and since living w/ you isn't an option, let's figure out what the next option will be.

The good news is that if her husband goes on hospice care, the medical equipment, medications, and hospice care are covered by Medicare. She won't go broke on any of that stuff. If he needs 24/7 care, then a nursing home is more likely the better choice for him because it'd be considerably less expensive. He can be on hospice care in a nursing home, and perhaps they can move to a facility together that has both skilled nursing for him and AL for her. It might be an easier transition for her if they moved together, too.

Offer to visit an elder care attorney with her, tell her you can’t help without a plan in place, one that you know and can carry out. Don’t talk anymore about her living with you, you’ve done a good job of letting her know it’s not in the plans, you don’t need to further justify or explain. You’re wise to guard your own life and well being. Provide help in ways healthy for you. I wish you peace in this

Tree, it is so good to hear that your mom is working with an eldercare attorney.

One hopes s/he will be able to advise mom on a good division of assets so that she won't be left impoverished.

In my view, if a parent's plan is that their children should care for them at end of life, then that is a conversation that needs to be had before the crisis.

(I am recalling my gma calling all her friends after she broke her hip. "I'm going to be an invalid and my daughters will wait on me!". She was excited.

Mom and aunt shut that down. That's where I learned to say "no". And that saying "no" to a parent in defense of your own life was a healthy thing to do.

If your nother has a financial advisor, she must have assets that are numerous enough to manage. Most financial advisors charge 1% a year to manage portfolios and most won't do that for portfolios under 500k. So there are funds there.

Don't let mom guilt you into doing something against YOUR own best interests.

Sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Not easy.

How is your mom's condition? Is she still independent? And competent?

Glad to see that she's getting to an attorney. It's always tricky when a step-parent if failing. The step-siblings often want everything done financially with no regard to the spouse that will be eventually left behind with next to nothing. Happened to a good friend's in-laws. They had him divorce her since she was not coming back home and then they could protect his assets. She had her own money but her kids wanted her husband to pay for everything, therefore protecting their inheritance and pissing his away. Got pretty ugly.

Since you don't want her to move in with you, set a very firm boundary on not allowing it. Just tell her, sorry mom that will not work for me and hubby. Let's look at your options.

Can she live alone? She may not "want" to, but that might just have to be OK especially in the short term after her husband passes. She can move into senior housing where they have their own apartment but can see people in common areas. Assisted living, etc. Or hire an aide to give her company and some help around the house. You say she won't consider these things. But eventually she's going to have to. She'll adjust. It may take time and she may not be happy about the changes that are inevitably coming, but that's a sad part of life sometimes.

I think she's trying to manipulate you with "nobody wants me" statement. Don't let that hurt you. She's probably a little scared and desperate which is understandable.