MIL ex-husband abandoned her and divorved her. But she now has lost her ability to make good decisions. We are POA for her. He insits on visiting her while he tells our family les about us and harasses us on the phone and in writing. We dont want him to visit her or at least want to limit his visits. We had an agreement with the nusring home to restrict the days he visits but he jus wrote our family, defaming us and telling everyone he can visit any time he chooses using the Patient Bill of rights as a basis.
Our question is, as POA can we at least limit his visits, especially since he harasses us constantly? Do we have to have a restraining order to do so or can we take other actions first?
We met with the nuring facility staff as agreed to allow him to see her ( my MIL wants to see him) on certain days so we would not run into each other, but he insists he ca come any time he wants and WE are the problem.
He constantly starts rumors with our family and they seem to believe him but he shows his real self to us by text messages and letters. He even threatened me with violence.
He WAS married to my MIL for about 5 years and they when she showed signs of her debilitation, he divorced her thinking he would have to use his own money to assist her. She has long term care ins from her first husband so this did not make much sense, but he divorced her anyway.
He is a promenant member of the local church and we feel like he is just trying to make a show to save face. We met with his pastor and even the pastor thinks he is a bit flakey.
Anyway, he has his own health issues and we are afraid he mishandles her when he takes her out of the facility to eat or otherwise, plus my MIL need assistance to use the restroom and they are not married so he has to undress her, clean her etc and that seem digusting.
We are tryng to balance my MIL wanting to see him and his attitude of dominance, harassment and disruption of our family by spreading lies about us. We'd like to avoid lawyers but it seems we may not have a choice, however, it also seem there is not much protection under the law for us anyway.
Any ideas, has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation and what did you do?
If she doesn't object to being taken out by him, and if she is still competent, I'm not sure what can be done. How about before you visit, you call your mom to find out if he's there?
Unfortunately she is not competent, at least according to her doctor, she is not able to care for herself or make good decisions.
He randomly visits the facility and the staff do "not want to be involved in family issues" thus are somewhat uncooperative. We don't them involved in these issues either, they have a job to do and its not handling family issues.
Just wondering what our next step needs to be. We think he shows signs of going postal on us.
If he makes credible threats, go have a chat with the local police and find out what you would need to do to protect yourselves.
I'm curious what his complaint is? Does he want to see her at your home, rather than getting care in a facility ?
Problem is these are all phone conversations so probabaly wouldnt be used in court etc. althoigh my wife did hear the conversation where he treatened me and others.
You don't mention how long ago they were divorced. If he felt (however irrationally) the divorce was solely to protect his assets he may consider himself still married in the eyes of the church and feel you are wrongfully coming between his 'wife' and himself.
As for the nursing home stopping him, what exactly do you expect them to do? If they ask him not to take her out and he does anyway you can't expect staff to physically restrain him.
You have all chosen to make MIL the center of your feud with each other. Leave her out of it. If he brings her joy, it's not up to you to limit their contact.
Stop acting like children. Why do I say that? Because in your lengthy question, you never once said MIL was anything other than happy to see him. Restraining order? Really? You folks have really escalated this, haven't you?
Your husband's mother has little enough joy in her life. Stop the nonsense.
A burse at the facilty told us he at one time left her ALONE in his running car to go to the restroom inside. What if she had rolled the car off for some reason?? In addition, he complains of headaches that are in his words debilitating, brings him to his knees! Yet he thinks he can rive her around and take her to his home. What is she falls and he has an attack? What then?
I only wanted to find out if anyone else had imilair issues and what they did. We want to take a high road here not a ******* contest, as suggested. We dont mind him seeing her if we can just oversee it a bit so he does bring harm to her, the staff or us!
We are looking for constructive comments not judgements. But thanks for the observations.
"He WAS married to my MIL for about 5 years and they when she showed signs of her debilitation, he divorced her thinking he would have to use his own money to assist her. She has long term care ins from her first husband so this did not make much sense, but he divorced her anyway."
Now he's back. This guy is a first class jerk. Does MIL have assets and is he in any way in line to inherit any of them? That may be part of his sudden concern for her.
If he's there on particular times, you might want to get another family member to observe, since it seems he's very domineering.
If MIL has dementia, she may not realize that he's the same jerk who walked out on her. That's the most important reason I don't completely accept that she really enjoys his company. He could be Santa Claus for all she knows (and that's not a reflection on her faculties).
The gun issue scares me. Sure, someone can threaten to use one, and may not do so, but it's the fact that he (a) doesn't threaten to sue (b) doesn't threaten to boycott (c) doesn't make other innocuous threats but he does threaten to use a gun.
He sounds like a loose cannon to me.
I'm not convinced that even a lonely MIL wants to see someone who abandoned her but has suddenly returned to her life. Does she really know who he is?
Do the other family members support your concerns?
Check the state statutes in your state and see if there are any addressing stalking and harassing. I used the Michigan statute for that purpose when a crazy relative was meddling in our affairs. I e-mailed her citing the statute and advised that 2 contacts after the notice would justify attempting to get a PPO. I also advised that if I got a PPO (and I had adequate documentation from earlier harrassments), I would ask the local sheriff to serve her at work, causing her great embarrassment.
This man sounds like early dementia himself, so he should NOT have firearms of any kind. You ask for an "Order of Protection" to keep him away from you and demand "Supervised Visitation" when he is at the facility, including forbidding him to remove her from the premises. His behavior will worsen as his dementia/Alzheimer's progresses.