My FIL keeps chasing/bullying the cat. He amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. How do I get him to stop?

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My FIL keeps chasing/bullying the cat. He amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. How do I get him to stop?

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I joined because I was taking care of my mom, but my aging in-laws came into focus in the last couple of years as well. My MIL (93), an incredibly kind person, passed away in March. My FIL (87) is still around. Before she died, he was (with my husband's help) taking care of her. She was the household manager. She kept things tidy, paid the bills, did the taxes. Six months before she died, he began exhibiting signs of needing help too. He had a car accident, a couple of blown tires, and the home was starting to look uncharacteristically dirty and cluttered. At that point she spent most of her day sleeping in her recliner.

One day he just wouldn't get out of bed. He just refused and said he was fine and didn't want to go to the doctor despite not feeling well. When he refused to get out of the bed the next day (he was also saying some pretty crazy things), the hubs called an ambulance and he spent the next few days in the hospital with a UTI and prostate issue. He couldn't pass the swallowing test and refused any additional intervention and was sent home on hospice which ended three months later once he was fine.

When MIL died, the hubs and I did not feel he could live alone without help. He was forgetting to refill medications, missing doses, not handling the finances, not taking care of the home, and he was falling for people who call on the phone. He also had a fall out in the neighborhood while walking. We decided that the best course for him would be to move in with him and hubs stays with his dad all day.

Moving with us were our two cats. He's had a cat before. He talks fondly of that cat. He pets the neighbor's cat that comes to his back door. For some reason, he keeps chasing our cats. He corners them and makes sudden movements at them, shuffles his feet at them, shakes the chair when they are under the table to scare them, and claps at them. He keeps saying he's going to put them outside. He will then try to pet them, and says he wants them to like him. He meows at them (literally, he says "meow"). The cats are terrified of him. We asked him to stop, he said he thought it was funny. The hubs tells him not to do it, "I will if I want to". And then he plays dumb like he doesn't understand. "Really? You're not supposed to do that? Gee, I'm just a dumb old man. I don't know". I don't get it. And I'm at a loss. I know he likes his bits of what he thinks is funny. The husband says that when I'm not there he's better, but he amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. I can't ignore him bullying a defenseless animal.

We moved in to help him so he wouldn't have to pay for caregiving help and preserve his resources. It was for his benefit not ours. We were happy in our own home. Now I dread going home from work every day. Any insight would be helpful. How do I get this guy to stop bullying these two very sweet cats? If he'd stop terrifying them, with time they'd probably come sit in his lap.

Multi-generational Living Pets

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Curious if your FIL's late cat liked being chased/bully like what he is doing with your cats. If yes, your Dad needs to realize that not all cats will react in the same way.

Example, at my home when the door bell rings, one cat nose dives under the bed... the other cat will go to the front door and reach up trying to open the storm door. Had the FedEx driver laughing when he was delivering a Chewy box.

Do the cats have a hiding place when Dad starts to act up? They need to have a "safe place". Dad probably won't change his ways, as he thinks the cats enjoy him doing that. Stress can cause high blood pressure in cats, so the next time they are at the Vet ask him/her to check their blood pressure.

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Yes, kitties have a couple of hiding spots. Last night he had one cornered though with no escape route. The hubs engaged his dad and I got the cat out of there and let it go into the bedroom where she hides. They feel safe in our bedroom only. It's their home base.

The cat he had was an indoor/outdoor cat. He was a kitten when my husband brought it home to them, so probably more fun. Ours are 6, and while they still play they are not as playful or rambunctious as a kitten. That cat did get older though. Oddly, he was recently complaining that the cats were growling outside his door, but I explained that one of our cats gets seriously into her play when tossing a toy around and does growl ... at the toy, not the door. We do not let our cats outdoors. Its just healthier and safer for them.

I'll have to ask about the BP issue.

(4)

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I think your FIL doesn't like you, so he's bullying your cats to piss you off. He's a bully. A bully only backs down when you stand up to him and bully him back. That's how you make him stop.

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I never got the impression over the years that he didn't like me. But perhaps you are right. There might be some resentment of us moving in, even if we are there to help him. I've been respectful to him since it is his home. But maybe I need to adjust that method. I can try being more assertive in my interactions with him. Thanks for the advice.

(5)

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I have pets and if anyone abused them I would be showing the person the door.

And yes I did tell a guest to leave my house when they behaved inappropriately with my cats. I also reprimanded my late stepdad’s daughter when she got uppity with Mum’s dog.

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I adamantly agree. If my mom had terrorized my dogs and refused to stop when I moved into her house for the sole purpose of caring for her, I'd move out. Period. If there was no one else to care for her then there'd be no choice for her to go to a nursing home.

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Another narrative (take or leave it): It may not be YOU he hates, but the situation. He can't get directly angry with you and hubs, because you seem so concerned and want to help... but the resentment has to go somewhere. He refers to himself as a stupid old man because he thinks that YOU believe that he's stupid. It's very hard for him to admit to himself that he's failing and making poor decisions. He may be trying to drive you away by attacking you through your pets.

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Your FIL's behavior with your cats spooks me; I knew someone whose 3 year old acted like that with her cat, and then killed it.... (3 year old!)

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God that's horrible! I hope the parents and authorities are dealing w that girl this is how serial killers start!

(3)

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I'm a huge cat lover..........animal lover in general. I'm afraid if it were me dealing with this I'd put him out of the house. Sorry, but when someone's dementia or whatever starts making them a menace to animals or any living thing, out they should go. Don't pass go, don't collect a thousand dollars. Sorry, don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I am. But there is a limit to what I'd put up with.

I think you should get him declared unfit and begin letting him know that if it's him or the cats, he is the one that should leave.

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Its his house, you can't make him leave because his behavior is aggressive towards the cats. He's not hurting them, just scaring them by playing to rough.

I think his motive is to play, not bully. He just doesn't know how to go about it with strange cats.

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I don't think this is any reflection on his feelings for you. Some people play rough with their animals.

That he says hes a stupid old man is his response to being told how to treat the cats. He has probably always treated his animals more aggressively than others. It is only inappropriate because the cats aren't his and they don't all know one another well enough to play so rough.

My husband and our shepherd box, some people would find the behavior horrific, but she starts it most of the time and gives as good as she gets. I don't want anyone else playing this way with her, she wouldn't know how to take it from someone else.

Is it possible to get him his own kitty that he can train to play with him? He's not hurting them, just scaring them and I know they are your fur babies, so don't mess with them.

It has to be difficult to be corrected for your behavior when you don't see anything wrong with it. He may feel like he is being accused of not knowing how to treat a cat and in reality we all treat our animals differently, doesn't mean it's wrong or inappropriate, just different.

I would seriously consider getting him his very own and then letting him treat it how he wants as long as he's not hurting it. Cats have 20 little claws to correct behaviors they don't like, that's not including a mouth full of sharp pins to help get the message across.

I hope you find a solution that works for all, I really would not take his treatment as a passive aggressive strike at you.

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“Your cats are terrified of him”. That shows this isn’t just roughhousing that the animals enjoy...this is perverse behavior. There are ways to treat animals...some ways are not just different, but wrong. This is one of them. I would not feel safe allowing my cats around him. Cornering a cat to the extent your husband had to “distract him” so you could nab and remove the cat? That is just bizarre behavior. And what would happen if you're not there and he's mean to it like this? What if the cat lashes out and scratches or bites him, which is very possible. What would he do to it? Would he still think it’s funny, or would he kick it across the room, or worse? I don’t care what his motives are for this behavior, you and your husband need to put a stop to it in no uncertain terms, and if you can’t I’d make other arrangements. For him.

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Thank you, rocketjcat. Actually, that has been my exact concern. What does he do when we're not there (which is not often)? My husband stays home with him all day. Sometimes we have errands to run, or we'll go out to dinner by ourselves. It's usually only for an hour. At the moment, we're talking about setting up cameras in the house. I have granny cams in my mother's apartment (at her doctor's request) to check on her throughout the day. We may do the same set up to see what's going on when we're not there.

I do fear that his aggressiveness could turn to a kick, or him even just opening the back door and turning them loose.

I agree, this has to stop. The hubs has agreed to schedule him for an evaluation for dementia. Perhaps there is something going on medically we're not aware of that is contributing to the inappropriate behavior. We have to do something, though.

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I agree. I wouldn't start making excuses for him that this is how he interacts with animals like some have said. I don't think animals like being cornered and have to have a safe room. That's ridiculous.

If this is how he interacts with animals then he shouldn't be around them, own them, period.

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Like some have said, people interact differently with animals and he is not hurting them, he is in his poor way trying to get them to play. But not everyone plays as nice as others.

Animals feed off of their humans vibes, that's the hard thing to get over, not feeding the behaviors by being upset, it only increases it. As the posters stated.

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I’m kinda on SafetySarahs wavelength.
Its not the cats per se. The cats = you.
If you and those pussies were gone, his life would be just great.
It would be just him and his son in his home.

I think here could be the tipping point for your marriage. On just Whose side IF to came down to the nut cut, would hubs take? If you said to hubs that it was a mistake to move there and you want to find a new home or apt for just you & hubs, would hubs do it?

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Without any doubt in my mind or heart, I know my husband would take my side in that argument. When his father was hospitalized last year he was staying down with his parents (his mom was still living) full time and it was difficult on both of us being apart. If it came down to it, it would really be a question of what to do with his dad. Use his money to hire caregivers for him at home or place him in a facility? Living separately has never been an option on the table for either of us. We are a united front both with his dad and my mother. More than likely the conversation would be... I'm not asking my wife to leave. It's both of us or neither of us. End of story.

(11)

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Put a little cat dropping in his slippers.

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And make him hate the cats even more?

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I think your husband should have a talk with his Dad. His behavior is upsetting you (and the cats) and it needs to stop. Ask your husband to firmly tell his Dad that he needs to quit frightening the cats immediately. Period. There are no excuses for his behavior and if he's just taking out his frustrations on the animals, shame on him. I hope your husband will back you on this. God love you - you're doing your best to help and this isn't right.

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Spill the cat litter on the floor of his bathroom.

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To give you some idea as to what to expect from the Dr. concerning dementia, do a Google search for MMSE, Mini Mental State Evaluation you can do at home. This is the same test that many medical organizations, {hospitals, LTC's, ALF's, Dr. offices} use for a pre-evaluation.

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I rescue kitties and they are either in the kitchen or garden and follow my mother around in the garden in her incessant walking. They love to sit on her lap while she sits outside or eats. She is completely unaware or unresponsive which is sad. I also have an inside kitty which she CONSTANTLY lets outside into the garden and even into the street. The kitty is not even supposed to leave our bedroom most of the time but that is an impossible request. My mother has severe dementia and never liked animals but I swear she does it on purpose or conveniently holds the door open a long time to walk through. My kitty knows she will do this and escapes Co scantly. I had to have my Himalayan cat spayed because I was so afraid she got out so often. She almost died after surgery with a collapsed lung and 1000$ later!! She has since recovered with a lot of time and money and I’m constantly reminding my mother NOT to let her outside. It’s a lost cause. She doesn’t care. Doesn’t know. Doesn’t care what I want. Doesn’t care what upsets me (everything she does). It makes my situation very difficult with the other habitants if the house who are allergic. Plus I am so afraid of my kitty getting some additional illness from outside and/or getting lost or run over. I’m getting her micro chipped today just because of my mother. How can she not have any idea whatsoever that there is a rather large cat escaping and seeing me run after her and/or realize there is a cat SITTING on her lap or sleeping next to her?!???!! I know she has dementia but I still am extremely upset and annoyed. My kitty is one of the few things that makes me happy through this excruciating experience.

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I wonder, if your mom is so far gone with dementia, why is she allowed free access to the outside doors? If the cat gets out, so could she, and the street would be a danger to her as well. Go to the “child safety” section of a store and purchase protective door handle covers so she can’t open the door. Agencies who support families with Autistic children can suggest other methods for keeping your mother from opening the doors.

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If you are not willing to move out or move Dad to a care facility, then maybe you need to find a better home for your cats. This situation will only get worse with time. Guaranteed.

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Reading your OP carefully, I notice that although you speak of “needing help”, but then describing quite a long list of behaviors that are quite far outside of the realm of “ability to manage without consistent, ongoing management”.

If your sole reason for moving into his home was intended to be helpful to him, you may be at a point at which you will have to consider that he is no longer able to benefit from the level of care that you are able to provide.

He has shown you in several ways that his cognitive level is no longer functioning efficiently enough to allow him to self manage living in the situation you are providing. He is not happy, you are not happy, and your cats are not happy.

Whether or not he is willing to cooperate with efforts to provide safe, comfortable arrangements for his care, or chooses (if he is able to MAKE logical choices) NOT to cooperate, you are facing the necessity of using some of his personal financial resources to determine the seriousness of his current mental status, and dealing with it.

NOBODY HERE who has had to make this decision for a LO and live with it is ever happy about it, and I’m sure that there are many who get sick of reading my comment that life as a caregiver as ALWAYS having a bunch of lousy choices to make, and making the best choice among those lousy choices.

I sympathize with your concern about the kitties, but his overall profile seems to be indicating that it’s really the elephant in the living room that needs your immediate attention.

Please research ALL OPTIONS, including residential care, and be super cautious about leaving him alone with them.

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Move back to your home and let him move into AL. He may not be able to control his behavior even though to you he should be able to. What he is doing is cruel and abusive to your cats. If you absolutely will not separate yourselves from him see if medication might help his behavior. Personally I wouldn’t stand for anyone treating my pet or another's in that manner. He will forever change the trust of your cats. If he has resources then let him use them. You shouldn't have to dread going home. Why is his mental health more important than yours? AskYourself that!

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First, has your FIL been officially diagnosed with any type of dementia? Has he seen a neurologist? This should be one of the first things on your list. Not that a diagnosis will change HIS behavior but it will maybe get you and your husband to realize that YOUR reaction needs to change.
Is it possible to keep the cats confined to an area of the house that FIL can not get to? This would keep them safe and it would hip FIL safe.
Shuffling his feet to go after the cats, running after them is not safe and may result in him tripping over his own feet, running into furniture or tripping over a threshold or piece of carpet. The last thing he or you need is a broken bone.

Protecting resources is great but protecting safety and sanity should be first.
He will need more care. You should begin to look into resources that will help.
His he a candidate for Adult Day Care? If so this will give your husband a break (as well as the cats)
Is he a Veteran? If so the VA has several programs that might help provide help in the house. And if he qualifies there are many programs. The VA also provides incontinent supplies and depending on his diagnosis and where and when he served he may qualify for MANY other things. Contact the local Veterans Commission Office they can help and the service is FREE, there is no need to pay anyone to obtain the information you need to determine what he is qualified for.

And a side note here...Do not worry about "preserving" his resources this is what resources are meant for, spend the money he earned, he saved on HIS care. As the money runs out you can begin the application process for Medicaid.

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Your FIL is terrifying the cats and amps it up when you are home. You are at the point where you dont want to go home any more.

What does he do to the cats when your not around? What if he decides to really hurt one? He is capable of that. I would think it is only a matter of time before that happens. The cats are living in horrible stressful situation every day. You are living in a horrible stressful situation every day. This should not be tolerated. That is too much stress in the house.
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Is he on any dementia medication? I would definitely see if doc can adjust his medication to mellow him out. See if that works. I think its time to look into adult day care or get him into a facility. What will husband say about that? Maybe adult day care will tire him out.

Maybe you can keep the cats in a locked room? You must make absolutly certain he cant get in. He might decide to corner the cats and really hurt one of them. Or spend the day trying to get into that room because he is locked out.

I would tell the hubs the stress is too much for you, and the cats because it is. It is time to look into options. Your going to make yourself sick by being under this much stress. You and your cats shouldnt have to sacrifice yourself for him. Or wait till he really hurts one of them. He sees the cats as an extension of you.

I would sit down and have a long talk with your husband about the situation. That you dread coming home and are too stressed. That means the situation must change.

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He hurts my cat; I clock him upside his head!

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Adult day care is a good option, this can help him not be bored to death. That may be part of why he is tormenting the cats and you. He lives for the reaction. Do your best not to say anything to him, just walk over and pick up your cats to remove them from his torment. The less reaction from you removes his fun to a degree. I agree with other posters that if the cats can be separated from him in the house without making them totally isolated that is good. If possible give them some high places that they can go to, to get away from the shuffling feet. A cat tree with a few well placed shelves can accomplish this. They can go from cat tree and up higher if they want to. More than one around the house might be good also, that option would allow them to pick their favorite spots and still be part of the family activity. FIL might actually grow to like them and watch them moving around the shelves without tormenting them. I wish you the best.

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MOVE HIM OUT! THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD ALLOW SOMEONE RELATED OR NOT TO TREAT MY ANIMALS THIS WAY! IT'S CRUEL! THIS HAS TO STOP PERIOD! MAKING MY BLOOD BOIL JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. ANIMAL ABUSE.

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They live in HIS house! They can't kick him out.

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FIL needs to go. Period. Cats are a part of your family you chose and have the responsibility to protect. He's not.

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They chose to move into HIS house and care for him. If anyone goes it is them.

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I do not tolerate animal abuse of any sort. When I see it happening, I intervene and am fortunate I myself have never been attacked. I had an aunt who was not a relative but a “friend of the family” who bullied me and our pets. She’s been gone for 30 years but I still become upset when I think of her bullying.

I would never accept “I will if I want to!” from this—bully. I would get right in his face, and I mean RIGHT IN HIS FACE and in an angry snarl, tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t stop, he’s out. Period.

Stop tolerating it and defend your animals! Make sure he’s NEVER alone with them. Watch him like a hawk when he’s around them and don’t hesitate to ”lose it” and go postal on him when he starts. If it continues, get some brochures from facilities and tell him to pick one because he’s leaving.

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That so many are telling this poster to kick this man out of his own home is just unacceptable.

If they, his son and DIL don't like how he treats their animals that they moved into his house, then they need to get out, it's not their house.

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I have had cats, but am not intensely interested in them. What I'm wondering is, are your cats defenseless? Claws removed? Every adult cat I've ever seen would defend itself if things got out of hand.
Why do your's not rake this old man's skin with their claws, spit and snarl, and so on? Most of mine have been barn cats, but behaved will in the house, until some visitor would go just too far, then they would fight back.

Perhaps you are trying to do too much or FIL. If he has changed as much as you say, then it seems apparent that he really doesn't want to be around people too much. If you were persistent, he could have given in just to keep the peace. I've worked in nursing homes and your description makes me think it 's time to find a nice one for FIL and help him get settled there. Maybe let your husband be the mover and shaker here and you just stay out of the line of fire. It probably would make FIL more compliant. He misses his wife and the life he knew before. And he takes his feelings out on the cats. If you are a manager type, I suggest stepping back and letting dad and son work this out. You and the cats can return to your home and be happy together until your husband returns to his own hearth.

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Thank you, I can't imagine any cat continually putting itself in danger, they fight back, no matter their back ground.

I am glad that you chimed in with tacy and myself that this is this man's house and if they can't tolerate how he deals with the animals, why are they not moving or getting to the bottom of the issue.

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Are you really sure that the cats don't like this excitement? They must be pretty slow if they can be cornered by an old man. It sounds like it would be fun teasing you by just by getting a cat to "play".

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I would imagine that the OP knows her cats and how they act when they’re scared and how they act when they’re not. She says “the cats are terrified of him.”

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Divide the house so you have a suite with a bedroom, bath, a locked door in the hallway, and what else?
Keep your kitties safe in there. Can you build a cat porch just outside a back door or a window, so they can get outdoors in a cage?

As a caregiving couple, you might need your own sanctuary.

I divided a two story house before, putting a locked door at each place: top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs.

It may very well be a simple fix.

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Your father is acting like a childish bully. Don't tolerate it.

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I’d give him one more chance after warming him I’d be moving if it happened again. And I’d be hunting a new home in the meantime.

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I wouldn't put up with it. Move him out or move yourselves out. Nobody should put up with a bully of any kind. Laura Schlessinger has excellent books about dealing with toxic relatives.

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Its his house, they can not decide to move him.

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My FIL keeps chasing/bullying the cat. He amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. How do I get him to stop?

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