My FIL keeps chasing/bullying the cat. He amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. How do I get him to stop?
I joined because I was taking care of my mom, but my aging in-laws came into focus in the last couple of years as well. My MIL (93), an incredibly kind person, passed away in March. My FIL (87) is still around. Before she died, he was (with my husband's help) taking care of her. She was the household manager. She kept things tidy, paid the bills, did the taxes. Six months before she died, he began exhibiting signs of needing help too. He had a car accident, a couple of blown tires, and the home was starting to look uncharacteristically dirty and cluttered. At that point she spent most of her day sleeping in her recliner.
One day he just wouldn't get out of bed. He just refused and said he was fine and didn't want to go to the doctor despite not feeling well. When he refused to get out of the bed the next day (he was also saying some pretty crazy things), the hubs called an ambulance and he spent the next few days in the hospital with a UTI and prostate issue. He couldn't pass the swallowing test and refused any additional intervention and was sent home on hospice which ended three months later once he was fine.
When MIL died, the hubs and I did not feel he could live alone without help. He was forgetting to refill medications, missing doses, not handling the finances, not taking care of the home, and he was falling for people who call on the phone. He also had a fall out in the neighborhood while walking. We decided that the best course for him would be to move in with him and hubs stays with his dad all day.
Moving with us were our two cats. He's had a cat before. He talks fondly of that cat. He pets the neighbor's cat that comes to his back door. For some reason, he keeps chasing our cats. He corners them and makes sudden movements at them, shuffles his feet at them, shakes the chair when they are under the table to scare them, and claps at them. He keeps saying he's going to put them outside. He will then try to pet them, and says he wants them to like him. He meows at them (literally, he says "meow"). The cats are terrified of him. We asked him to stop, he said he thought it was funny. The hubs tells him not to do it, "I will if I want to". And then he plays dumb like he doesn't understand. "Really? You're not supposed to do that? Gee, I'm just a dumb old man. I don't know". I don't get it. And I'm at a loss. I know he likes his bits of what he thinks is funny. The husband says that when I'm not there he's better, but he amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. I can't ignore him bullying a defenseless animal.
We moved in to help him so he wouldn't have to pay for caregiving help and preserve his resources. It was for his benefit not ours. We were happy in our own home. Now I dread going home from work every day. Any insight would be helpful. How do I get this guy to stop bullying these two very sweet cats? If he'd stop terrifying them, with time they'd probably come sit in his lap.
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From the cats point of view it must be terrifying to go out for a drink of water, and be teased and traumatised for no reason. I would not tolerate that. It only takes 1 time for something very bad to happen. Its not fair to the cats who cant escape. Sure they might escape the room, but that doesnt stop him from cornering them in another room. This isnt a minor thing. Its cruel.
Id borrow a cam to make sure your cats are safe. That way you do know if things have changed.
Let me ask you, you’ve gotten a lot of feedback from both sides of the issue here. What will you do now? Even though in your latest post you say your FIL isn’t quite as off the wall as you may have suggested in your previous post, what will you do about his treatment of your cats? Will you confront him about his bullying the cats, as some of us have suggested? Move out? Do nothing? When you ask a question here, you’ll get a wide range of opinions. Maybe you don’t agree with all of us. That’s your choice. As an animal advocate, I would be interested to read what steps you do plan to take to protect your cats. Please keep us updated.
We are going to have him medically evaluated to see if there is some sort of cognitive issue with him contributing to this. For the cats, we will keep them in the bedroom for the most part during the day and when he goes to bed, they can have free time to explore safely and get play time and lap time with us. Supervised visitation only for FIL with the cats for the time being.
If the behavior continues, we will have to re-evaluate and moving out is an option for us. But if we move out, then the hubs has some decisions to make about FIL and how to get him the care he needs whether it is in home caregiving, or a facility.
When I was 16 my mean mother gave my perfectly behaved kitty away to get back at me for being a cute teenager. She's 91 now and there's no way I'd leave my pet with her. Some people are just cruel and you have to protect your pets from them.
The man’s life has been turned upside down. His Life Partner is gone. He’s old and not well. His house is no longer his own. He’s being taken care of, monitored and supervised by a person HE took care of and raised who is now responsible for HIM, and this guy also brought along a woman who maybe even without realizing it, has taken over the job previously held by a woman he loved for many years. She could be enforcing her own rules and ideas of how things should be. Nothing is said by the OP about what kind of relationship he had with her or his son previously. She doesn’t say what changes she may have made in this house, which isn’t her’s, and whether or not she had FIL’s approval. Yes, it does sound like they moved in and took over, even with the best of intentions.
But, that doesn’t mean what he’s doing to those innocent animals is ok. It does sound like they’re a stand-in for her, though. They can’t fight back and she can and probably would. Dad’s threats to put the cats out and his bullying of them is his way of showing resentment toward her and possibly toward this turn of events in his life. He most likely can’t think of any other way to show his dissatisfaction with his life now.
Who thinks it might not be a bad idea for a family meeting between the three of them? Would Dad be capable of putting his feelings into words? Maybe he figures if they are treating him like a child, he’ll act like one? We aren’t living in his house so we don’t know what’s truly going on. He needs to leave off the cats. Without a doubt. But maybe we need to hear his side.
My husband is home with him most of the time. He is retired. I am not. I work full time and take care of my own mother. I am not actually there all that much. His son is his caretaker, not me. I have let my husband take the lead on dealing with him as much as possible to avoid any concerns about overreaching. It was the agreement the hubs and I came to. He would handle his dad, and I would handle my mom and neither of us would interfere with the decisions of the other with regard to our respective parents. We are each other's support system. We listen to each other, we vent to each other. We help where we can, but we don't interfere.
Honestly, he wasn't taking care of himself, either out of grief or inability. Our only choices to ensure he got adequate care were to move in and help him for free, hire a caregiver, or put him in a facility or board and care home. He'd be more comfortable in his own home and without a stranger in his home. His son and I have been together for almost 20 years. We are not strangers. He already had one hospitalization from refusing to seek medical attention when he needed it (before MIL passed). This was the best option for HIS comfort and we discussed this with him before moving in. He had said he was fine with our moving in. I would not have agreed to the move if he had not agreed to it. I see it as his home, not ours.
I have cats, too, who mean more to me than most people. Personally, I would claim one room of the house for myself, turn it into a luxurious kitty haven, install the best lock money could buy, and lock my babies in there whenever the two of you are gone. It might not 100% keep him out (if he's determined enough to take the door off the hinges or something extreme) but it would slow him down. And if he is that motivated to try and harm them, there's your sign: dad isn't altogether mentally stable and probably should be in a monitored environment 24/7.
Good luck, keep those fur babies safe.
I agree with tacy his home and maybe he wasn't given any option, poster said her and husband decided.
Can any off us honestly say we would be completely okay in those shoes?
Keep your kitties safe in there. Can you build a cat porch just outside a back door or a window, so they can get outdoors in a cage?
As a caregiving couple, you might need your own sanctuary.
I divided a two story house before, putting a locked door at each place: top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs.
It may very well be a simple fix.
Why do your's not rake this old man's skin with their claws, spit and snarl, and so on? Most of mine have been barn cats, but behaved will in the house, until some visitor would go just too far, then they would fight back.
Perhaps you are trying to do too much or FIL. If he has changed as much as you say, then it seems apparent that he really doesn't want to be around people too much. If you were persistent, he could have given in just to keep the peace. I've worked in nursing homes and your description makes me think it 's time to find a nice one for FIL and help him get settled there. Maybe let your husband be the mover and shaker here and you just stay out of the line of fire. It probably would make FIL more compliant. He misses his wife and the life he knew before. And he takes his feelings out on the cats. If you are a manager type, I suggest stepping back and letting dad and son work this out. You and the cats can return to your home and be happy together until your husband returns to his own hearth.
I am glad that you chimed in with tacy and myself that this is this man's house and if they can't tolerate how he deals with the animals, why are they not moving or getting to the bottom of the issue.
I would never accept “I will if I want to!” from this—bully. I would get right in his face, and I mean RIGHT IN HIS FACE and in an angry snarl, tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t stop, he’s out. Period.
Stop tolerating it and defend your animals! Make sure he’s NEVER alone with them. Watch him like a hawk when he’s around them and don’t hesitate to ”lose it” and go postal on him when he starts. If it continues, get some brochures from facilities and tell him to pick one because he’s leaving.
If they, his son and DIL don't like how he treats their animals that they moved into his house, then they need to get out, it's not their house.
What does he do to the cats when your not around? What if he decides to really hurt one? He is capable of that. I would think it is only a matter of time before that happens. The cats are living in horrible stressful situation every day. You are living in a horrible stressful situation every day. This should not be tolerated. That is too much stress in the house.
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Is he on any dementia medication? I would definitely see if doc can adjust his medication to mellow him out. See if that works. I think its time to look into adult day care or get him into a facility. What will husband say about that? Maybe adult day care will tire him out.
Maybe you can keep the cats in a locked room? You must make absolutly certain he cant get in. He might decide to corner the cats and really hurt one of them. Or spend the day trying to get into that room because he is locked out.
I would tell the hubs the stress is too much for you, and the cats because it is. It is time to look into options. Your going to make yourself sick by being under this much stress. You and your cats shouldnt have to sacrifice yourself for him. Or wait till he really hurts one of them. He sees the cats as an extension of you.
I would sit down and have a long talk with your husband about the situation. That you dread coming home and are too stressed. That means the situation must change.
Is it possible to keep the cats confined to an area of the house that FIL can not get to? This would keep them safe and it would hip FIL safe.
Shuffling his feet to go after the cats, running after them is not safe and may result in him tripping over his own feet, running into furniture or tripping over a threshold or piece of carpet. The last thing he or you need is a broken bone.
Protecting resources is great but protecting safety and sanity should be first.
He will need more care. You should begin to look into resources that will help.
His he a candidate for Adult Day Care? If so this will give your husband a break (as well as the cats)
Is he a Veteran? If so the VA has several programs that might help provide help in the house. And if he qualifies there are many programs. The VA also provides incontinent supplies and depending on his diagnosis and where and when he served he may qualify for MANY other things. Contact the local Veterans Commission Office they can help and the service is FREE, there is no need to pay anyone to obtain the information you need to determine what he is qualified for.
And a side note here...Do not worry about "preserving" his resources this is what resources are meant for, spend the money he earned, he saved on HIS care. As the money runs out you can begin the application process for Medicaid.
If your sole reason for moving into his home was intended to be helpful to him, you may be at a point at which you will have to consider that he is no longer able to benefit from the level of care that you are able to provide.
He has shown you in several ways that his cognitive level is no longer functioning efficiently enough to allow him to self manage living in the situation you are providing. He is not happy, you are not happy, and your cats are not happy.
Whether or not he is willing to cooperate with efforts to provide safe, comfortable arrangements for his care, or chooses (if he is able to MAKE logical choices) NOT to cooperate, you are facing the necessity of using some of his personal financial resources to determine the seriousness of his current mental status, and dealing with it.
NOBODY HERE who has had to make this decision for a LO and live with it is ever happy about it, and I’m sure that there are many who get sick of reading my comment that life as a caregiver as ALWAYS having a bunch of lousy choices to make, and making the best choice among those lousy choices.
I sympathize with your concern about the kitties, but his overall profile seems to be indicating that it’s really the elephant in the living room that needs your immediate attention.
Please research ALL OPTIONS, including residential care, and be super cautious about leaving him alone with them.