Elderly neighbor giving me major grief. Any advice?
My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
I think I would tell the son that you are not willing to help, more than a couple of times, a month.
I have started ignoring her constant phone calls and I will ignore her knocking on my door.. I have an elderly mom so I treated this with compassion at first but it has really started to get on my nerves. My mother was never this invasive or intrusive in my life. I have had my neighbor over for dinner many times and she has made it a stressful evening. Bottom line is that I don't like her and need to cut free of her without hurting her. It is a stalking.
Your statement that:
"I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town."
...makes my angry that she is so aggressive but that you've not put her in her place. Why would anyone presume to assume such control over someone's else's life?
Ministry and compassion notwithstanding, this woman needs to be told that you don't respond to her and that what you do on a daily basis is your concern, not hers.
Seems to me the son manipulates her into tolerating his being a loaf of laziness and she then manipulates you.
If you're uncomfortable standing up to bullies, tell her nicely that your own responsibilities have become so much that you won't be able to help her any more. PERIOD. If you're uncomfortable telling her this in person, send her a nice little card with pretty flowers but make it clear you're not her employee.
Don't take her phone calls, ignore her when she comes running after you when you're outside.
You might also suggest that with all the time she has on her hands she find some nice charitable work to do. Even at 84 there are things she can do. Finding some could actually keep her busy.
She'll keep doing this as long as she has someone to exploit and can get away with it.
It sounds like you're a caring person so I suspect this will be hard for you, but it has to be done. Good luck.
Pam makes a very good point, probably better than my "stop it all now" point. If you reclaim your boundaries one by one, it'll be easier on you and you won't feel so bad cutting her off eventually. She might even get the message before then.
In terms of being respectful, she hasn't shown you that courtesy but it speaks well of your character that you're trying to do so. Still, sometimes people don't respond without some strong blunt words and action.
You revealed a lot about your family; from what I know, children of alcoholics sometimes grow up more meek, not knowing where the boundaries are because of the uncertainties of alcoholic behavior. It can be difficult to establish those boundaries as well.
Find your voice with this woman gradually if you have to, but remember it's there.
Good luck, and don't give up.
I just pray that my neighbors family realizes that she is really ready for assisted living. I have no idea why elderly people fight this tooth and nail. My mother age 90 can not believe she has fought this for so many years. My mother was ready for assisted living at age 75 but kept fighting it and when she finally did it, at age 87 she said she has felt happier than she has for many years. I know as I age I will not fight this. Meals made, entertainment, trips to the malls etc... Bring it on!
It sounds like you need to go on respite from your neighbor. It is sad that the only thing we can do is be firm about our own needs. We get put in the position of being the bad guy. It makes me feel bad, like I'm being rude. But really, they are the ones being rude.
Countrymouse, I do speak with her son from time to time. He is very conservative, quiet but we have a talking relationship. I'm a bit uncomfortable around him because he is so stuffy.
JessieBelle, I'm sorry you have had this guy calling you. I had an older man that lives around the corner calling and coming over often but it only took a few times of not answering the door and not picking up the phone for him to get the message. He drives by often and always looks for me and if I am outside he stops to chat..I just keep busy and feel grateful that he has found someone or something else to do. I do understand that they are the ones being rude.
And GardenArtist there is no history with my neighbor. She moved in last fall. And if you have never experienced this you have no idea how hard it is. I mean personally experienced this.
I asked about the son, because I wondered if there could be any way of shaking him by the scruff of his neck and getting him to wake up to his mother's needs. HE's the one who should be thinking of how to get interest and company into her life. If he were doing that job properly, you'd be on good terms with a slightly too curious old lady, not hiding behind blackout curtains and feeling terrible that you need to give her the heave-ho. (You do need to. She must be driving you potty.)
Well, stuffy isn't very appealing but at least it's not actively hostile. Could you tell him you're concerned about his mother and you would appreciate having a good talk with him about how lonely she seems to be, and how he could perhaps think of ways to help her? If he's a church stalwart, he surely must be aware of any social groups they run even if he's too lofty to participate?
I meant to suggest that this neighbor is a stalker, certainly not you.
Thank you for being so graceful about my error!
The more you write the more I feel there are some serious problems with this woman, well beyond old age loneliness. The fact that she knows when your lights go out is unsettling.
As to history and stalking, I've had a few experiences and I agree they are unsettling. One was a very interesting and intelligent women I met in a literature club. We had a lot in common including academic background. After exchanging e-mail and phone numbers, she began contacting me up to 4 times a day by phone and e-mail. If I didn't respond, she would e-mail or call again to find out way.
She even traced down a second phone number which I had not given her and had the audacity to call it. Finally I had to invoke an anti-stalking statute and legally threaten her. Then she backed off.
It wasn't as unsettling as a nextdoor neighbor spying on me, so I fortunately haven't experienced that discomfort. I do know that some of the neighbors spend too much time spying on what's going on other neighbors' yards and calling code enforcement for petty issues.
It's not like someone sitting at her window monitoring your movements, but it's unsettling knowing that these people can't mind their own business and accept that trees are going to grow larger than they might want in their own yards.
I don't think behavior like this develops overnight.
It was also my intention to write that it wouldn't surprise me if you're NOT the first person who's experienced this.
I know I need new glasses but didn't realize I was making so many typos!
Oh and about the door...just because someone knocks does not mean that you have to answer it. Who knows what you could be busy doing? If you don't already, I would find a way to see if it's her at the door and if so, to just not answer. The blackout curtains are a great idea. If you don't want to do that, you could just tell her that the lights in that room have a mind of their own and just come on whenever they feel like it. Must be a problem with the switch. ;-)
I believe that my neighbor wants me to take over with her care and I do not have the expertise or' want to' to do it. Bottom line, she just wants free help. I remember when she first moved in and wanted me to wash her windows. I showed her my swollen hands and suggested her son wash them.. I did stand up that time. I just needed to stand up each and every time but really thought she would get the message. A NO I will not clean her windows while her son studies his Bible. Really, how is that my problem? I feel I'm being forced to become an ugly person while around her.. I do not like how I feel and act so I declare this woman toxic and will have to stay clean. The magic word of the day is 'Assisted Living' and it can't come too soon.
I'm thinking about that dynamic - a noncontributing son, a mother compensating by harrassing others. This is a long time situation and I'm betting that she won't confront her son, for whatever reasons.
Daughterof4, I got a real kick out of your ability to identify people by their feet! I couldn't help picturing you laying on the floor peering underneath the door to check out the feet of someone at the door!
The "loner" son living with his mom is the classic profile of the guy who goes off some day and does something bad. So not to frighten you, but just be cautious around those two. Having worked in human resources for many years, I'm always wary around people who are outside the normal bell curve of behavior - like they are. Outliers may be perfectly fine, but I will take my time in finding out. In this case you've found out they're both weird on several levels, so stay away!
Another thing you said caught my attention. Being firm about your wants is not being "an ugly person". You're just voicing (kindly) that you can't do what she wants you to do. Being ugly would be saying, "No you stupid cow, I can't do that - why would you presume I could?" But that's not what you're doing. You're just not doing what she wants you to do. That's perfectly OK and in line with being a fine and kind person. Just not a pushover to a pushy, demanding, insensitive, aggressive person.
And DO expect some ugliness to occur, and know that this is not your fault. Get acquainted with your new buddies: that awkward uncertain feeling, right before you assert yourself! Followed by resistance, rudeness, and maybe some mild retaliation. It is a bumpy road on the way to reclaiming your life, but well worth it. Hugs :)